This Is How Twitter and Insomnia Kill Your Dreams!

The first order of business would be to apologize for my long break. I’ve been busy, and when the opportunity of sleep presented itself, I basically got it drunk and took extreme advantage of it. When I finally came to, it was twenty years later. I am now 41 and going through a midlife crisis, and am heading to get a tattoo to assert my “coolness”. Just kidding, it was the only colorful story I could concoct to explain my absence. 

When I woke from my coma long ass nap, I became something short of an angsty teenage zombie. I ate, I dozed in and out of consciousness, and I watched an obscene amount of television. Before this weekend, I could honestly say that I have never watched a show on MSNBC…ever. But then, I came across this late night gem called Lockup. It’s a show about crazy ass criminals, and jail. If you could out-fantastic Gangland, it would be this. Plus I’m a sucker for marathons, soooooo a big thank you to the MSNBC schedulers. I guess after watching all these hardened criminals, I was feeling especially bold; because I made a mistake that I don’t think I can come back from.

To get to the root of this, we need to go back and visit my stupid, fifteen year old self. Contrary to popular belief, my obsession with guidos did not begin with Angelo of Fordham Prep fame. It began with the cast of Growing Up Gotti. This is laughable simply because even then, I had a knack for bad television. I believe that as long as the packaging is good, I’ll feed into it. John, the middle grandson was having a 16^th or 18^th birthday party. I thought they were stuck up because Lindsay Lohan wasn’t invited, as she was “a crazy broad who likes my older brudda”. [Editor’s Note: This is probably what made her lose her mind and became the hot mess we all know and love today.] So, John insists that he needs a famous DJ for his party. Now, way back in 2004, 50 Cent was the bee’s knees, so his DJ, DJ Whookid was enlisted for this bash. It was then and there that I knew that when and IF I got married, I needed DJ Whookid to DJ at my wedding. Simply because I loved his name, and he was down with the Gotti-Agnello clan, he was the man for my reception.

Fast forward to present day where Fiddy is standing on the corner of Lost My Hood Pass Avenue and What The Fuck Am I Gonna Do Now Road, DJ Whookid is still who I want to DJ at my wedding. I began following him on Twitter, (when the story involves Twitter, you know it’s about to get real) and we had a Twitter spat, in which I think I condemned myself to DJ Whookid-less wedding reception. See, Sir Whookidd is in Greece and tweeted:

“Ahh Greece—the city that created this festive combining of many individuals called the ORGY which brought peace on Earth…amen!”

And out of my newfound hardness, from spending hours inside America’s maximum-security prisons, I responded with:

“Greece is a country the last time I checked”

This must have gotten him really ticked off because he DOUBLE TWEETED

“@purelygenius oops meant Athens – sorry for being an ignorant American – r u happy now”    and;

“@purelygenius I did say Athens on my first tweet -- Im not checking everything or spelling while Im on this Iphone”

Then DJ Whookid proceeded to start a #trendingtopic called #blockalltweetanalyzers. Now backslap me and call me paranoid, but I think he was talking about me. I was actually scared that this would burn my DJ bridge and ruin a VERY superficial part of my life. I was losing ground and had to retaliate with a double tweet of my own! So I said:

“I may or may not have just offended @DJWhooKid. I don't think he'll want to DJ at my wedding now...I'm legit sad about this.”

AND

“Thanks to my obsession with John Gotti Agnello, when I was 15 I decided that I wanted @DJWhooKid to be at my wedding, like John's birthday. Today is an extremely bad day”

Thankfully, he’s an extremely forgiving man, and he responded to my pleas with:

“@purelygenius HA! then u r not on my list - but there are some annoying ones out there and Im ready to block!”

I was relieved at the very least. I don’t think I could deal with that devastation. Also, feel free to follow me on twitter. I’ve been using it in lieu of Facebook.