Hot Seks of The Day

Andy Samberg

Dix Du Jour: Songs I Thought Were About Me (AKA My Theme Song)

1. Superthug by Noreaga
2. Bad Girl by Usher
3. I Can Transform You by Chris Brown
4. Rude Boy by Rihanna
5. When Doves Cry by Prince
6. Bootylicious by Destiny's Child
7. Starstruck by Lady Gaga
8. Bag Lady by Erykah Badu
9. I Hope You Dance by LeAnn Womack
10. Doe Boy Fresh by Three 6 Mafia

Some of you may be wondering, how can I have a list of songs that doesn't include Mariah Carey? I do, but that is another list for another day.

VMAs 2010 Thingy

Well, well, well. Another night full of industry lackluster that had too much hype. And to be honest, I ate that shit up like Snooki with a jar of pickles. Before the VMAs, I deadened my mind with what seemed like 10 minutes, but was really three hours, of Lego Batman on my 360. But when the clock turned 8, I grabbed a cup of applesauce and a glass of water laced with Benefiber and I was ready to get reckless.

The first VJ to make an appearance was Tim Kash. At that point, I was so thankful for my ability to multi task, because I opened a new tab and read everything I needed to know about him. Yea, he is that cute. But he isn't photogenic. Either way his accent is to die for and he looked adorable in his very well made suit. [Editor's Note: I'm a sucker for a man who looks symmetrical in a suit. When I get married, my groom will be in a John Varvatos, no questions asked.] He introduced Drake, which got me thinking, why the hell did everyone slack off on their entrances this year? No elephants, not entourages, nothing. That's what I like to call "disappointing". Not even Kim Kardashian arrived in her "own" beloved Bentley. But I digress. Drake is looking kind of skinny nowadays, but he makes up for it with a charming personality and the illusion of a huge.....ego.

Unfortunately, Suchin Pak let the masses of brain dead MTV viewers dress her, and it showed. What was supposed to be "high fashion", looked like an Annie Sez original with no shape. Another disappointment, because no matter where I go or what I wear, Asian girls are always wearing it better. As per my notes, I was curious as to how old she really was. After some light Wiki work, I found out that she is in fact 34 years old. Now age isn't anything really, but she should start making plans to transition to VH1 soon. Queue Trey Songz and his shirt. Trey does have some sort of sex appeal. He's doing to this generation, what Tyrese did to us with Sweet Lady. I can appreciate it, but I know those checks are rolling in, so he should invest in a meal. Speaking of pure seks, Jay Sean is legit the most adorable nugget on this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Therefore, I will be taking a vacation to London and find me a crooner of South Asian descent. Yea, he's THAT cute.

My most guiltiest pleasure is Jersey Shore. It hurts my brain so good, and like a battered woman, I keep coming back. Snooki had a refreshed look about her, along with a new hairstyle. Had her hair been blond, I would have thought she was Christina Aguilera. Jenni's breasticles defy gravity, but we all can't be so lucky. Sam, well we all know I feel that her vagina should fall in to a vat of acid in Chernobyl, and then, Ron can do some more devastation by a method of his own choosing. The Situation is a creepy old man. He's not in the least bit attractive, and he should really come off the juice. Vinny just got his heart broken the hour before, but at least he got some camera time. And last but not least, DJ Pauly D. Paul DelVechhio. Pauly D. Pauly fuckin D. His hotness just creeps up on me at all crazy times. Its gotten to a point where I need to hide my kids, hide my wife. I wish guido seks was that good when I was in high school.

More filler, more commercials and what was supposed to be a phenomenal performance from Nicki Minaj. Let's just say that she chose the wrong night to not lip sync. The outfit was wrong, the song was wrong, the special helmet wig was right. But just when you thought it couldn't get much wronger, Will.i.Am's crazy ass come out  in jet-black face. I love Nicki Minaj as much as the next gay, but she just failed. The pre show was over, and I took another bathroom break because Eminem's opening performance featured Rihanna and no good can come of that. [Editor's Note: I just got a strange craving for microwaved eggs and I feel gross about it.] As a host, Chelsea Handler was different. I like her more than I like Russell Brand, so there's an automatic win. I also like that she is obsessed with T.I. and Justin Bieber. She put herself out there, didn't try too hard and at the end of the night, I enjoyed her. Lindsay Lohan made one of those appearances to make fun of her life and show she's attempting to get it together. Hopefully, she slows down, she's too young to die, and old enough to know better.

Taylor Swift is doing an Irish Jig on my last raw nerve. Did she really have to perform the song she made for Kanye West? I haven't really heard anything NEW by her since the "situation". She may have thought that was cute but it is time to move on. That sad ass song did nothing for her and enormous bare feet. Fortunately for us, Aziz Ansari, [Editor's Note: This Indian Boy phase I'm going through will end soon. Maybe] who is actually good friends with Kanye, said what the majority of us were thinking: Kanye's interruption was funny, because real life is funny. His song Runaway was the best song of the night. Linkin Park was also a fantastic addition. The DJ for the show was DJ Deadmau5 and he did a phenomenal job.

Oh and while wearing Alexander McQueen, armadillo shoes and a dress that resembled meat, Lady Gaga won everything.

I Don't Hate Rihanna, I Hate Talentless Famewhores

I guess I’m not a “true” football fan because this years Pro Bowl slipped under the radar. Of course, had the love of my life Ryan Harris not been injured, the Grammy’s may not have been what I was watching either. Especially when I found out that Eminem won the award for Best Rap Album. But I’ll get to that later.

Normally, I only do the pre-show thing for the VMAs. But I decided it was time for a change. I thought it would be cool to write down my predictions, but when I go to the website, I saw that a decent amount of the awards had already been given out. As I read the nominees list, I saw that Eminem, had beat Mos Def, Q-Tip, The Roots AND Common for Best Rap Album. Clearly, the people who vote for the winners have no phunk. I honestly WAS going to watch the Pro Bowl, but then I remembered that Slash was performing so the Grammys were saved. Queue Lady Gaga.

I wasn’t all that excited about Lady Gaga until the one and only Elijah Kelly became her temporary hype man. For those of you who don’t know who Elijah Kelly is, he played Seaweed Stubbs in the motion picture Hairspray. He also taught me a lesson that saved my life: The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. But that’s a story for a different day. I enjoyed Gagaloo’s 90s style breakdown of Poker Face, but I was slightly disappointed in her fashion choice. I got bored with that so I took that time for a bathroom break. That was when Elton John showed up, and I was surprised to see how underplayed his appearance was. Thankfully, Stephan Colbert was there to deliver a monologue to get this party started. He made his exclusive iPad comment to Jay-Z and Jay remained stoic. Is it just me or do you want to get deep into Jay’s thoughts? He always has that look on his face like something is definitely going on, but we, being mere mortals can never know what that is.

What followed was some sort of high school drama production set to Green Day’s 21 Guns. It was like Fame meets rock opera meets thirty-somethings in tapered jeans and platform shoes. But I enjoyed it.

Boring Fillers. Blah Blah. Yada Yada.

Can someone please inform me as to why Beyonce’s performance included a whole S.W.A.T. team? I thought she was going to hit us with some up-tempo Beyo-fierceness, but when “If I Were A Boy” started I knew that it was all for show. Actually, I thought that her wig wasn’t secure, until she gave me visual whiplash. As a side note, when / if I get a wig, I’m going to secure it so I can give the Beyonce All Day. Can someone also tell me who told her it was good idea to cover Alanis Morrissette’s “You Oughta Know”? As per my notes, my exact words were “Oh shit! B, do not ruin this for me”. But she did, and I’m over her. She really needs to lie down and birth a Roc-A-Baby. She so wants to be a mother, and I’m sure Solange will appreciate not giving up her son to be Beyonce’s arm candy.

As far as fashion choices go, P!nk’s outfit was out of control. When I get my Urban Hang Suite, I will alternate between her robe/rope ensemble and my Baduist head wrap.

For the most part, after this I didn’t pay attention except for Jamie Foxx’s performance. The art of subtlety is lost on T-Pain. I mean who really didn’t know it was him in that bouffant white wig? The best part of that performance was Slash. Slash is a simple equation:

Top hat + Hair +Cigarette+ Guitar + Stunna Shades =Slash.

He’s still hawt.

The last thing I’m going to touch on is my complete disdain for Taylor Swift and Rihanna. I will say that I’m glad Rihanna flew under the radar. Maybe she had the fear that the blood would get smacked out her mouth again if she decided to show out. And Taylor Swift’s time is limited. She’s not for me, and I predict that in a few years she’s going to go bat shit crazy, marry Ke$ha or Lindsay Lohan and be pregnant by Kanye, which would be so ironic that the world explodes around us.

Oh wait, I forgot to talk about the Michael Jackson tribute. I was against the idea of a tribute, because I was still recovering from the overdose of Jackson from the past few months. But it was very beautiful, even though I didn’t have a pair of 3-D glasses at my disposal. I loved his kids accepting the award, and they are very much HIS children.

Overall, “Music’s Biggest Night” was quite lame and tame. Better luck next year Grammys.