VMA 2011 Predictions

Unlike last year, Lady Gaga isn't nominated in every category. This leaves room for some competition. I guess.....

Best New Artist: I'm most familiar with Wiz Khalifa, and I know more than one of his songs. But Thin Sean is growing on me because his name PROBABLY makes sense when he's naked. All the other nominees are hipster acts, and hipsters must die. My vote is for Wiz Khalifa.

Best Pop Video: As a member of the teeny bopper generation, I feel obligated to pick Britney Spears to win this category. However this video is a mashup of all her other videos and its just not good. Katy Perry is becoming one of my favorite artists in very small increments. But, when Bruno Mars sings, he sings only to me. My vote is for Bruno Mars.

Best Rock Video: Foster the People....because I like their name.

Best Hip-Hop Video: This has been the year of Kanye, and I'm over his hype. But I'm picking the seizure inducing All Of The Lights video.

Best Female Video: Seeing as Adele's last three albums were based on her relationship with one man, homegirl could use a little love. So I'm voting for Adele's Rolling in the Deep.

Best Male Video: Once again Grenade by Bruno Mars.

Best Collaboration: Chris Brown speaks to my soul....because I've seen him naked. Also, I like to swag out to him in my room sometimes. Look At Me Now is winning this one.

Video of the Year: I don't particularly enjoy The Beastie Boys, but I love me some NBC's Thursday Night lineup cameos.

Best Video with a Message: This is a new category, so I'm not sure what the message they're looking for is. They all seem emo in a way, and the only thing worse than a hipster is an emo hipster.

I Just Woke Up From A Food Coma

I also woke up in a cold sweat. I don't know if this is because I ate something spicy or if I just ate too much. Either way, I'd like to dedicate this song to every person whoever sang this, and meant it. And toast to a 20 year old Beyowulf.

I Don't Hate Rihanna, I Hate Talentless Famewhores

I guess I’m not a “true” football fan because this years Pro Bowl slipped under the radar. Of course, had the love of my life Ryan Harris not been injured, the Grammy’s may not have been what I was watching either. Especially when I found out that Eminem won the award for Best Rap Album. But I’ll get to that later.

Normally, I only do the pre-show thing for the VMAs. But I decided it was time for a change. I thought it would be cool to write down my predictions, but when I go to the website, I saw that a decent amount of the awards had already been given out. As I read the nominees list, I saw that Eminem, had beat Mos Def, Q-Tip, The Roots AND Common for Best Rap Album. Clearly, the people who vote for the winners have no phunk. I honestly WAS going to watch the Pro Bowl, but then I remembered that Slash was performing so the Grammys were saved. Queue Lady Gaga.

I wasn’t all that excited about Lady Gaga until the one and only Elijah Kelly became her temporary hype man. For those of you who don’t know who Elijah Kelly is, he played Seaweed Stubbs in the motion picture Hairspray. He also taught me a lesson that saved my life: The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. But that’s a story for a different day. I enjoyed Gagaloo’s 90s style breakdown of Poker Face, but I was slightly disappointed in her fashion choice. I got bored with that so I took that time for a bathroom break. That was when Elton John showed up, and I was surprised to see how underplayed his appearance was. Thankfully, Stephan Colbert was there to deliver a monologue to get this party started. He made his exclusive iPad comment to Jay-Z and Jay remained stoic. Is it just me or do you want to get deep into Jay’s thoughts? He always has that look on his face like something is definitely going on, but we, being mere mortals can never know what that is.

What followed was some sort of high school drama production set to Green Day’s 21 Guns. It was like Fame meets rock opera meets thirty-somethings in tapered jeans and platform shoes. But I enjoyed it.

Boring Fillers. Blah Blah. Yada Yada.

Can someone please inform me as to why Beyonce’s performance included a whole S.W.A.T. team? I thought she was going to hit us with some up-tempo Beyo-fierceness, but when “If I Were A Boy” started I knew that it was all for show. Actually, I thought that her wig wasn’t secure, until she gave me visual whiplash. As a side note, when / if I get a wig, I’m going to secure it so I can give the Beyonce All Day. Can someone also tell me who told her it was good idea to cover Alanis Morrissette’s “You Oughta Know”? As per my notes, my exact words were “Oh shit! B, do not ruin this for me”. But she did, and I’m over her. She really needs to lie down and birth a Roc-A-Baby. She so wants to be a mother, and I’m sure Solange will appreciate not giving up her son to be Beyonce’s arm candy.

As far as fashion choices go, P!nk’s outfit was out of control. When I get my Urban Hang Suite, I will alternate between her robe/rope ensemble and my Baduist head wrap.

For the most part, after this I didn’t pay attention except for Jamie Foxx’s performance. The art of subtlety is lost on T-Pain. I mean who really didn’t know it was him in that bouffant white wig? The best part of that performance was Slash. Slash is a simple equation:

Top hat + Hair +Cigarette+ Guitar + Stunna Shades =Slash.

He’s still hawt.

The last thing I’m going to touch on is my complete disdain for Taylor Swift and Rihanna. I will say that I’m glad Rihanna flew under the radar. Maybe she had the fear that the blood would get smacked out her mouth again if she decided to show out. And Taylor Swift’s time is limited. She’s not for me, and I predict that in a few years she’s going to go bat shit crazy, marry Ke$ha or Lindsay Lohan and be pregnant by Kanye, which would be so ironic that the world explodes around us.

Oh wait, I forgot to talk about the Michael Jackson tribute. I was against the idea of a tribute, because I was still recovering from the overdose of Jackson from the past few months. But it was very beautiful, even though I didn’t have a pair of 3-D glasses at my disposal. I loved his kids accepting the award, and they are very much HIS children.

Overall, “Music’s Biggest Night” was quite lame and tame. Better luck next year Grammys.