Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Dix Du Jour:Movie With Scenes That Make Me Cry
- The Little Princess - Sarah is looking to her father to save her and he doesn't remember her because he got a spritz of napalm to his face.
- My Girl - "Where's he glasses? He can't see without his glasses!!" Enough. Said.
- Artificial Intelligence - Monica tries to leave David in the woods after whispering the magic phrase. What a bitch.
- Titanic - Jack and Rose are in steerage and water is about to sweep a child away.
- The Other Sister - Carla is making her wedding invitations and her whole wedding make me cry happy tears.
- Charlotte's Web - Whoever thought Charlotte's death should be a scene in this movie has some serious issues. What ten year old is stable enough for that? Hell, I'm 22 and I'm barely able to get through it.
- My Sister's Keeper - After Kate's first round of chemo until the end of the movie, I was in hysterics. I was also angry with the ending but you probably already read that.
- Hachi:A Dog's Tale - I can't give the scene without spoiling the whole movie
- Ladder 49 -Before he went crazy, Joaquin Phoenix dying in a fire made me cry. It also made me not want to date a firefighter or a policeman, ever.
- Pearl Harbor - Obviously, when Danny dies.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dix Du Jour:Quintessential Christmas Albums
1. Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey
2. The Sinatra Christmas Album by Frank Sinatra
3. LaFace Family Christmas Album
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
5. White Christmas by Bing Crosby
6. Celtic Thunder Christmas
7. Merry Christmas 2 You by Mariah Carey
8. Home For Christmas by NSYNC
9. My Kind of Christmas by Christina Aguilera
10. From Then To You by The Beetles
2. The Sinatra Christmas Album by Frank Sinatra
3. LaFace Family Christmas Album
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
5. White Christmas by Bing Crosby
6. Celtic Thunder Christmas
7. Merry Christmas 2 You by Mariah Carey
8. Home For Christmas by NSYNC
9. My Kind of Christmas by Christina Aguilera
10. From Then To You by The Beetles
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Dix Du Jour:Things That Are Pissing Me Off Today
1. Someone just moved out of my apartment building, and they're doing a construction on it during my sleep time. Today it started at 8:16 am eastern standard time. I'm not pleased.
2. I feel and look like death warmed over. I don't really care, but it still bothers me.
3. The guy who works in the library is reading Decoded, the worst book I've bought this year. I may tell him about it when I go settle my outstanding balance.
4. Last night, I had a conversation with a male friend of mine, who asked me: "Why have we never been on a date?" The answer was quite simple and I said " Because I don't want to have sex with you." Which released all his demons and he was trying to figure out why. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but apparently telling him he wasn't my type didn't suffice. Then he asked me why I talk to him. So to the people who think just because someone speaks to you it means they want you, y'all are pissing me off.
5. I placed an order online last night for the greatest t-shirt in history and I have yet to receive a confirmation email. Its a problem.
6. These brain dead assholes I'm doing my final project with.
7. My Blackberry keeps freezing while I play Word Mole and then I lose.
8. People who unfriend people in the social networking universe. This is paired with number 4.
9. My lack of a real job.
10. People who don't respond to my text messages in a timely manner. My jokes aren't funny four hours after I ask you.
2. I feel and look like death warmed over. I don't really care, but it still bothers me.
3. The guy who works in the library is reading Decoded, the worst book I've bought this year. I may tell him about it when I go settle my outstanding balance.
4. Last night, I had a conversation with a male friend of mine, who asked me: "Why have we never been on a date?" The answer was quite simple and I said " Because I don't want to have sex with you." Which released all his demons and he was trying to figure out why. I don't owe anyone an explanation, but apparently telling him he wasn't my type didn't suffice. Then he asked me why I talk to him. So to the people who think just because someone speaks to you it means they want you, y'all are pissing me off.
5. I placed an order online last night for the greatest t-shirt in history and I have yet to receive a confirmation email. Its a problem.
6. These brain dead assholes I'm doing my final project with.
7. My Blackberry keeps freezing while I play Word Mole and then I lose.
8. People who unfriend people in the social networking universe. This is paired with number 4.
9. My lack of a real job.
10. People who don't respond to my text messages in a timely manner. My jokes aren't funny four hours after I ask you.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
I Dedicate This One to Bored In Minnesota
I hate to come back with something like this, but I think it needs to be shared!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Dix Du Jour: Songs That I Get Ready To Clerb To
1. London Bridge by Fergie
2. Oochie Wally by Bravehearts
3. Star Struck by Lady Gaga
4. Hustlin' by Rick Ross
5. Superthug by Norega
6. Stronger by Kanye West
7. Big Momma Thang by Lil Kim
8. The Call by Backstreet Boys
9. I'm So Hood by DJ Khaled
10. Covergirl by Rupaul
2. Oochie Wally by Bravehearts
3. Star Struck by Lady Gaga
4. Hustlin' by Rick Ross
5. Superthug by Norega
6. Stronger by Kanye West
7. Big Momma Thang by Lil Kim
8. The Call by Backstreet Boys
9. I'm So Hood by DJ Khaled
10. Covergirl by Rupaul
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Dix Du Jour: Gifts I Wouldn't Mind Getting This Christmas
1. A Snuggie
2. A Tamagotchi
3. Novelty slippers
4. Gift cards
5. Golden rings
6. The Godfather collection on DVD
7. A Macbook Pro
8. Laid
9. Tickets to see a play
10. A paid vacation
2. A Tamagotchi
3. Novelty slippers
4. Gift cards
5. Golden rings
6. The Godfather collection on DVD
7. A Macbook Pro
8. Laid
9. Tickets to see a play
10. A paid vacation
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Netflix Pick: 1408 (Theatrical Version)
I signed up for Netflix when I was a sophomore in college. I was a woman possessed by three at a time unlimited movies. I had a schedule for sending and recieving. I beefed up my queue and once I made my way through 168 movies, six television series, and a numerous Shirley Temples, I stopped ordering movies. Now, my movie queue has twelve painfully awful movies that I could go without seeing, but I need to anyway. You should thank me for saving you the trouble of watching them.
The Netflix Sleeve o' Knowing blurb says:
"No one can explain the strange goings-on in room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel. In this thriller based on a Stephen King story, writer and paranormal debunker Mike Enslin (John Cusack) is determined to demystify the ghostly events, even though a hotel clerk (Samuel L. Jackson) begs him to rethink his plans. Mike needs to write another book soon, and room 1408 may be his ticket to the top of the best seller list. But will he survive even one night" Rated PG-15, 1h 44m, 2007.
Oh I'm shuddering. This movie is definitely going to test my thug. I would like to make a few things clear before I jump in.
So Mike, who is clearly aware that he is operating below capacity, goes to check his PO box. He reads through the first few fan letters when he comes across a postcard. It is from The Dolphin Hotel and the message says "Stay out of 1408". Now, that sounds like I fair warning to me. I would have stayed out of 1408, and gone on unaffected. After reading this postcard, Mike does the logical thing, goes surfing, wipes out, I'm not invested enough to get the symbolism and books room 1408 at The Dolphin.
One of the higher ups in the hotel's administration is Mr. Olin, who explains that he doesn't let anyone stay in 1408 because nobody lasts in there for more than an hour. They all wind up dying. Another warning that he chooses to ignore. I'm not sure why this baffles me because people smoke cigarettes every day even though there's a written warning on the box that eventually, it will kill you. After going over a laundry list of all the deaths that have occurred in this "evil fucking room", he offers Mike a drink of some vintage spirit. He probably slipped him a mickey. Nonetheless, Mike insists on staying in the room, and lasting til the morn. Mr. Olin is so pissed off and says "Damn it to hell" in a way only Mr. Jackson can pull off.
A whole bunch of strange things begin to happen, while Mike is sippin on his sizzurp. The clock radio begins the countdown from an hour, he begins to see the ghosts of the 1408 club, the ghost of his father and his sick daughter, who is also dead. The window falls on his hand a breaks it, there is a phantom axe murderer who looks like Mike Myers of Halloween fame. In an attempt to escape to the next room, Mike climbs out the window and onto a ledge almost falls and then recovers like a champ...Tommy Pickles style. When he gets back in and checks the map, 1408 is the only room in the hotel. I lose interest.
He goes through flash backs of his daughter's illness and he gets all guilty.
The room turns into an icebox where his heart used to be.
Mike is still drinking the roofies cognac VSOP.
He video chats with his wife, who calls the cops. When they talk again, the cops are in an empty 1408. The apocalypse happens in the room. It made me thing of the scene in Macbeth where the king dies and the world shakes.
Okay so the surfing thing just came full circle, Mike wiped out wakes up in the hospital, the estranged wife is there. This whole scene was all a dream from Word Up magazine. Mike and Lily go out to dinner and he's drinking tequila. I checked the info and there's still another twenty minutes left, so there is another twist coming. And Mike is still dreaming. I kind of feel bad because he wrote the whole book that would save him...in. his. dream. Fuck his life. The room goes from tundra to charred remains. Mike is hatching a scheme to escape.
With just under four minutes left in his hour, Katie, the dead daughter shows up and disintegrates in his arms. The clock radio resets itself for the hour and he can choose to relive it again or to hang himself. The hotel operator refers to this hanging as an express check out system. I laughed so hard, I farted. Mike is back in the real world and makes a bottle bomb of the roofies cognac. Firemen save him, he and Lily get back together. She wants to get rid of all the clothes from the fire. Mike takes out the tape recorder, and tells her to throw the rest away. He presses play, the whole exchange between him and Katie is on there. Lily hear it, drops the box, he smiles forbodingly. FIN.
This movie wasn't bad at all. I'll give it a 3.5
The Netflix Sleeve o' Knowing blurb says:
"No one can explain the strange goings-on in room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel. In this thriller based on a Stephen King story, writer and paranormal debunker Mike Enslin (John Cusack) is determined to demystify the ghostly events, even though a hotel clerk (Samuel L. Jackson) begs him to rethink his plans. Mike needs to write another book soon, and room 1408 may be his ticket to the top of the best seller list. But will he survive even one night" Rated PG-15, 1h 44m, 2007.
Oh I'm shuddering. This movie is definitely going to test my thug. I would like to make a few things clear before I jump in.
- It took me 3 tries to get through the first 40 minutes of the movie.
- I am typing this as I watch the movie.
- I used to know what the L in Samuel L Jackson stood for.
So Mike, who is clearly aware that he is operating below capacity, goes to check his PO box. He reads through the first few fan letters when he comes across a postcard. It is from The Dolphin Hotel and the message says "Stay out of 1408". Now, that sounds like I fair warning to me. I would have stayed out of 1408, and gone on unaffected. After reading this postcard, Mike does the logical thing, goes surfing, wipes out, I'm not invested enough to get the symbolism and books room 1408 at The Dolphin.
One of the higher ups in the hotel's administration is Mr. Olin, who explains that he doesn't let anyone stay in 1408 because nobody lasts in there for more than an hour. They all wind up dying. Another warning that he chooses to ignore. I'm not sure why this baffles me because people smoke cigarettes every day even though there's a written warning on the box that eventually, it will kill you. After going over a laundry list of all the deaths that have occurred in this "evil fucking room", he offers Mike a drink of some vintage spirit. He probably slipped him a mickey. Nonetheless, Mike insists on staying in the room, and lasting til the morn. Mr. Olin is so pissed off and says "Damn it to hell" in a way only Mr. Jackson can pull off.
A whole bunch of strange things begin to happen, while Mike is sippin on his sizzurp. The clock radio begins the countdown from an hour, he begins to see the ghosts of the 1408 club, the ghost of his father and his sick daughter, who is also dead. The window falls on his hand a breaks it, there is a phantom axe murderer who looks like Mike Myers of Halloween fame. In an attempt to escape to the next room, Mike climbs out the window and onto a ledge almost falls and then recovers like a champ...Tommy Pickles style. When he gets back in and checks the map, 1408 is the only room in the hotel. I lose interest.
He goes through flash backs of his daughter's illness and he gets all guilty.
The room turns into an icebox where his heart used to be.
Mike is still drinking the roofies cognac VSOP.
He video chats with his wife, who calls the cops. When they talk again, the cops are in an empty 1408. The apocalypse happens in the room. It made me thing of the scene in Macbeth where the king dies and the world shakes.
Okay so the surfing thing just came full circle, Mike wiped out wakes up in the hospital, the estranged wife is there. This whole scene was all a dream from Word Up magazine. Mike and Lily go out to dinner and he's drinking tequila. I checked the info and there's still another twenty minutes left, so there is another twist coming. And Mike is still dreaming. I kind of feel bad because he wrote the whole book that would save him...in. his. dream. Fuck his life. The room goes from tundra to charred remains. Mike is hatching a scheme to escape.
With just under four minutes left in his hour, Katie, the dead daughter shows up and disintegrates in his arms. The clock radio resets itself for the hour and he can choose to relive it again or to hang himself. The hotel operator refers to this hanging as an express check out system. I laughed so hard, I farted. Mike is back in the real world and makes a bottle bomb of the roofies cognac. Firemen save him, he and Lily get back together. She wants to get rid of all the clothes from the fire. Mike takes out the tape recorder, and tells her to throw the rest away. He presses play, the whole exchange between him and Katie is on there. Lily hear it, drops the box, he smiles forbodingly. FIN.
This movie wasn't bad at all. I'll give it a 3.5
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Double Dix Du Jour: Twenty Albums I'd Bring If I Was Leaving Earth On A Spaceship
1. Butterfly by Mariah Carey
2. Velvet Rope by Janet Jackson
3. The Blueprint by Jay-Z
4. Baby One More Time by Britney Spears
5. Illmatic by Nas
6. 'NSYNC by 'NSYNC
7. Spice World by Spice Girls
8. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill by Lauryn Hill
9. Mama's Gun by Erykah Badu
10. College Dropout by Kanye West.
11. The Time Is Now by John Cena
12. Ready to Die by Notorious B.I.G.
13. A collection of Disney something
14. Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) by Wu-Tang Clan
15. A collection of The Beatles everything
16. The Documentary by The Game
17. Capital Punishment by Big Pun (But I will take Yeaaaaaah Baby! as a substitute)
18. The Chronic by Dr. Dre
19. Can't Take Me Home by P!nk
20. Back to Black by Amy Winehouse
2. Velvet Rope by Janet Jackson
3. The Blueprint by Jay-Z
4. Baby One More Time by Britney Spears
5. Illmatic by Nas
6. 'NSYNC by 'NSYNC
7. Spice World by Spice Girls
8. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill by Lauryn Hill
9. Mama's Gun by Erykah Badu
10. College Dropout by Kanye West.
11. The Time Is Now by John Cena
12. Ready to Die by Notorious B.I.G.
13. A collection of Disney something
14. Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) by Wu-Tang Clan
15. A collection of The Beatles everything
16. The Documentary by The Game
17. Capital Punishment by Big Pun (But I will take Yeaaaaaah Baby! as a substitute)
18. The Chronic by Dr. Dre
19. Can't Take Me Home by P!nk
20. Back to Black by Amy Winehouse
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dix Du Jour: Songs I Thought Were About Me (AKA My Theme Song)
1. Superthug by Noreaga
2. Bad Girl by Usher
3. I Can Transform You by Chris Brown
4. Rude Boy by Rihanna
5. When Doves Cry by Prince
6. Bootylicious by Destiny's Child
7. Starstruck by Lady Gaga
8. Bag Lady by Erykah Badu
9. I Hope You Dance by LeAnn Womack
10. Doe Boy Fresh by Three 6 Mafia
Some of you may be wondering, how can I have a list of songs that doesn't include Mariah Carey? I do, but that is another list for another day.
2. Bad Girl by Usher
3. I Can Transform You by Chris Brown
4. Rude Boy by Rihanna
5. When Doves Cry by Prince
6. Bootylicious by Destiny's Child
7. Starstruck by Lady Gaga
8. Bag Lady by Erykah Badu
9. I Hope You Dance by LeAnn Womack
10. Doe Boy Fresh by Three 6 Mafia
Some of you may be wondering, how can I have a list of songs that doesn't include Mariah Carey? I do, but that is another list for another day.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I Just Woke Up From A Food Coma
I also woke up in a cold sweat. I don't know if this is because I ate something spicy or if I just ate too much. Either way, I'd like to dedicate this song to every person whoever sang this, and meant it. And toast to a 20 year old Beyowulf.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Oops...I Did That Whole Over Excited Thing Again
When you are lazy for so long, you tend to get way to excited for simple things. Yesterday, my laziness was squelched by pillows. For the past week, I've suffered through a bout of non-smoosh related back pain. So, when I got out of class early, I decided a trip to Target was in order. Normally, I love Target. I can spend hours in there, which I did, but yesterday's trip was on for the books.
I started my Target quest with the intention of getting one (1) laundry basket, one (1) body pillow, and two (2) standard sized pillows. Instead I got hopelessly lost in a sea of red bullseyes and spent $104.08 USD on pillows and junk. While I was in the candle section, a browsin' and a sniffin', I saw in my peripherals a woman with a child trying to squeeze past me. So I moved my cart and when I look up at her, she's breast feeding a three year old. There was nothing covering the child's head, just nipple and toddler drool every where. I'm not opposed to breast feeding, I just feel that you should be modest about it. Not walking about Target casually hosting a child on your nipple. AND when I looked at her, she didn't even say excuse me or make an attempt to cover up her dirty pillows. Just when I thought that things couldn't get weirder, this child says, IN PERFECT ENGLISH "Mom, I'm done." I can't do this anymore.
Blanyway, I got home and was so excited about my pillows. I did my laundry, took a shower, crawled into my bed and fell in love. I haven't slept that well in such a long time. I don't anticipate sleeping that well again until I catch a coma from a bountiful smoosh session. I was so excited to go to sleep last night, especially after my preview nap, and I wound up fighting with my new body pillow all night. It was disrupting my sleep and shit. I was not feeling it. As a side note, I named my pillow Sir Lucius Lush Lips and If you talk to me on a daily basis, you know why. There's a bright side to all of this. I woke up this morning without a stitch of back pain, so mission accomplished.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Dix Du Jour: Things I Wish I Had An Interest In Earlier In Life
1. Graphic design
2. Astronomy
3. Science in general
4. Politics
5. Theater
6. The annexation of Puerto Rico =)
7. Crafts like glass blowing or quilt making
8. Hockey
9. Fitness
10. Beer
2. Astronomy
3. Science in general
4. Politics
5. Theater
6. The annexation of Puerto Rico =)
7. Crafts like glass blowing or quilt making
8. Hockey
9. Fitness
10. Beer
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Dix Du Jour: My Guilty Pleasures
1. Chipotle
2. Crime marathons. Specifically Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and Lockup
3. Music Stephanie plays but I pretend not to like
4. Cyper creeping on the interwebs
5. Juiceheads
6. My Blackberry
7. Gadgets
8. Rhinestones
9. Acrylic nails
10. Bookstores
2. Crime marathons. Specifically Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and Lockup
3. Music Stephanie plays but I pretend not to like
4. Cyper creeping on the interwebs
5. Juiceheads
6. My Blackberry
7. Gadgets
8. Rhinestones
9. Acrylic nails
10. Bookstores
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Dix Du Jour: Cartoons I Love
1. Phineas and Ferb
2. Ni Hao, Kai Lan
3. Spongebob Squarepants
4. Fantastic Max
5. Smurfs
6. The Magic School Bus
7. George and Martha
8. Chowder
9. Scooby Doo [This includes all the shows in the series]
10. Hey Arnold
Honorable Mention:
Ahhh! Real Monsters, Fairly Oddparents, Doug, Ren and Stimpy, Rocky and Bullwinkle
2. Ni Hao, Kai Lan
3. Spongebob Squarepants
4. Fantastic Max
5. Smurfs
6. The Magic School Bus
7. George and Martha
8. Chowder
9. Scooby Doo [This includes all the shows in the series]
10. Hey Arnold
Honorable Mention:
Ahhh! Real Monsters, Fairly Oddparents, Doug, Ren and Stimpy, Rocky and Bullwinkle
Monday, September 13, 2010
VMAs 2010 Thingy
Well, well, well. Another night full of industry lackluster that had too much hype. And to be honest, I ate that shit up like Snooki with a jar of pickles. Before the VMAs, I deadened my mind with what seemed like 10 minutes, but was really three hours, of Lego Batman on my 360. But when the clock turned 8, I grabbed a cup of applesauce and a glass of water laced with Benefiber and I was ready to get reckless.
The first VJ to make an appearance was Tim Kash. At that point, I was so thankful for my ability to multi task, because I opened a new tab and read everything I needed to know about him. Yea, he is that cute. But he isn't photogenic. Either way his accent is to die for and he looked adorable in his very well made suit. [Editor's Note: I'm a sucker for a man who looks symmetrical in a suit. When I get married, my groom will be in a John Varvatos, no questions asked.] He introduced Drake, which got me thinking, why the hell did everyone slack off on their entrances this year? No elephants, not entourages, nothing. That's what I like to call "disappointing". Not even Kim Kardashian arrived in her "own" beloved Bentley. But I digress. Drake is looking kind of skinny nowadays, but he makes up for it with a charming personality and the illusion of a huge.....ego.
Unfortunately, Suchin Pak let the masses of brain dead MTV viewers dress her, and it showed. What was supposed to be "high fashion", looked like an Annie Sez original with no shape. Another disappointment, because no matter where I go or what I wear, Asian girls are always wearing it better. As per my notes, I was curious as to how old she really was. After some light Wiki work, I found out that she is in fact 34 years old. Now age isn't anything really, but she should start making plans to transition to VH1 soon. Queue Trey Songz and his shirt. Trey does have some sort of sex appeal. He's doing to this generation, what Tyrese did to us with Sweet Lady. I can appreciate it, but I know those checks are rolling in, so he should invest in a meal. Speaking of pure seks, Jay Sean is legit the most adorable nugget on this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Therefore, I will be taking a vacation to London and find me a crooner of South Asian descent. Yea, he's THAT cute.
My most guiltiest pleasure is Jersey Shore. It hurts my brain so good, and like a battered woman, I keep coming back. Snooki had a refreshed look about her, along with a new hairstyle. Had her hair been blond, I would have thought she was Christina Aguilera. Jenni's breasticles defy gravity, but we all can't be so lucky. Sam, well we all know I feel that her vagina should fall in to a vat of acid in Chernobyl, and then, Ron can do some more devastation by a method of his own choosing. The Situation is a creepy old man. He's not in the least bit attractive, and he should really come off the juice. Vinny just got his heart broken the hour before, but at least he got some camera time. And last but not least, DJ Pauly D. Paul DelVechhio. Pauly D. Pauly fuckin D. His hotness just creeps up on me at all crazy times. Its gotten to a point where I need to hide my kids, hide my wife. I wish guido seks was that good when I was in high school.
More filler, more commercials and what was supposed to be a phenomenal performance from Nicki Minaj. Let's just say that she chose the wrong night to not lip sync. The outfit was wrong, the song was wrong, thespecial helmet wig was right. But just when you thought it couldn't get much wronger, Will.i.Am's crazy ass come out in jet-black face. I love Nicki Minaj as much as the next gay, but she just failed. The pre show was over, and I took another bathroom break because Eminem's opening performance featured Rihanna and no good can come of that. [Editor's Note: I just got a strange craving for microwaved eggs and I feel gross about it.] As a host, Chelsea Handler was different. I like her more than I like Russell Brand, so there's an automatic win. I also like that she is obsessed with T.I. and Justin Bieber. She put herself out there, didn't try too hard and at the end of the night, I enjoyed her. Lindsay Lohan made one of those appearances to make fun of her life and show she's attempting to get it together. Hopefully, she slows down, she's too young to die, and old enough to know better.
Taylor Swift is doing an Irish Jig on my last raw nerve. Did she really have to perform the song she made for Kanye West? I haven't really heard anything NEW by her since the "situation". She may have thought that was cute but it is time to move on. That sad ass song did nothing for her and enormous bare feet. Fortunately for us, Aziz Ansari, [Editor's Note: This Indian Boy phase I'm going through will end soon. Maybe] who is actually good friends with Kanye, said what the majority of us were thinking: Kanye's interruption was funny, because real life is funny. His song Runaway was the best song of the night. Linkin Park was also a fantastic addition. The DJ for the show was DJ Deadmau5 and he did a phenomenal job.
Oh and while wearing Alexander McQueen, armadillo shoes and a dress that resembled meat, Lady Gaga won everything.
The first VJ to make an appearance was Tim Kash. At that point, I was so thankful for my ability to multi task, because I opened a new tab and read everything I needed to know about him. Yea, he is that cute. But he isn't photogenic. Either way his accent is to die for and he looked adorable in his very well made suit. [Editor's Note: I'm a sucker for a man who looks symmetrical in a suit. When I get married, my groom will be in a John Varvatos, no questions asked.] He introduced Drake, which got me thinking, why the hell did everyone slack off on their entrances this year? No elephants, not entourages, nothing. That's what I like to call "disappointing". Not even Kim Kardashian arrived in her "own" beloved Bentley. But I digress. Drake is looking kind of skinny nowadays, but he makes up for it with a charming personality and the illusion of a huge.....ego.
Unfortunately, Suchin Pak let the masses of brain dead MTV viewers dress her, and it showed. What was supposed to be "high fashion", looked like an Annie Sez original with no shape. Another disappointment, because no matter where I go or what I wear, Asian girls are always wearing it better. As per my notes, I was curious as to how old she really was. After some light Wiki work, I found out that she is in fact 34 years old. Now age isn't anything really, but she should start making plans to transition to VH1 soon. Queue Trey Songz and his shirt. Trey does have some sort of sex appeal. He's doing to this generation, what Tyrese did to us with Sweet Lady. I can appreciate it, but I know those checks are rolling in, so he should invest in a meal. Speaking of pure seks, Jay Sean is legit the most adorable nugget on this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Therefore, I will be taking a vacation to London and find me a crooner of South Asian descent. Yea, he's THAT cute.
My most guiltiest pleasure is Jersey Shore. It hurts my brain so good, and like a battered woman, I keep coming back. Snooki had a refreshed look about her, along with a new hairstyle. Had her hair been blond, I would have thought she was Christina Aguilera. Jenni's breasticles defy gravity, but we all can't be so lucky. Sam, well we all know I feel that her vagina should fall in to a vat of acid in Chernobyl, and then, Ron can do some more devastation by a method of his own choosing. The Situation is a creepy old man. He's not in the least bit attractive, and he should really come off the juice. Vinny just got his heart broken the hour before, but at least he got some camera time. And last but not least, DJ Pauly D. Paul DelVechhio. Pauly D. Pauly fuckin D. His hotness just creeps up on me at all crazy times. Its gotten to a point where I need to hide my kids, hide my wife. I wish guido seks was that good when I was in high school.
More filler, more commercials and what was supposed to be a phenomenal performance from Nicki Minaj. Let's just say that she chose the wrong night to not lip sync. The outfit was wrong, the song was wrong, the
Taylor Swift is doing an Irish Jig on my last raw nerve. Did she really have to perform the song she made for Kanye West? I haven't really heard anything NEW by her since the "situation". She may have thought that was cute but it is time to move on. That sad ass song did nothing for her and enormous bare feet. Fortunately for us, Aziz Ansari, [Editor's Note: This Indian Boy phase I'm going through will end soon. Maybe] who is actually good friends with Kanye, said what the majority of us were thinking: Kanye's interruption was funny, because real life is funny. His song Runaway was the best song of the night. Linkin Park was also a fantastic addition. The DJ for the show was DJ Deadmau5 and he did a phenomenal job.
Oh and while wearing Alexander McQueen, armadillo shoes and a dress that resembled meat, Lady Gaga won everything.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
My VMA Predictions 2010
Best Collaboration: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind
Best Female Video: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Best Male Video: B.o.B. f/ Hayley Williams - Airplains
Best Hip Hop Video: Kid CuDi - Pursuit of Happiness
Best New Artist: Justin Bieber - Baby
Best Pop Video: Beyonce and Lady Gaga - Video Phone
Best Rock Video: 30 Seconds to Mars - Kings and Queens*
Best Dance Video: Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor
Video of the Year: Lady Gaga and Beyonce - Video Phone
Best Art Direction: Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over
Best Choreography: Janelle Monae f/ Big Boi - Tightrope
Best Cinematography: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind
Best Direction: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance [Francis Lawrence]
Best Editing: Rihanna - Rude Boy [Clark Eddy]
Best Female Video: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Best Male Video: B.o.B. f/ Hayley Williams - Airplains
Best Hip Hop Video: Kid CuDi - Pursuit of Happiness
Best New Artist: Justin Bieber - Baby
Best Pop Video: Beyonce and Lady Gaga - Video Phone
Best Rock Video: 30 Seconds to Mars - Kings and Queens*
Best Dance Video: Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor
Video of the Year: Lady Gaga and Beyonce - Video Phone
Best Art Direction: Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over
Best Choreography: Janelle Monae f/ Big Boi - Tightrope
Best Cinematography: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind
Best Direction: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance [Francis Lawrence]
Best Editing: Rihanna - Rude Boy [Clark Eddy]
Friday, September 10, 2010
Steve Carell is Funnier Than You'll Ever Be
Often times, people try to introduce new things to me. In my own special world, I'm way too cool for these trends. Then, when I least expect it, I fall madly in love with whatever I was trying to avoid. My sophomore year of college, I was living with Casey, who was the me of East Longmeadow. Every Thursday, while I was arguing in the hallway, Casey would be in the room watching The Office. I never watched a full episode and the parts that I did see weren't THAT funny. After me a Casey broke up, I never thought about watching The Office again until my cousin/child Stephanie tried to convince me that it was the greatest show on television. Obviously, I was having none of that. Then after a long awaited Steeler Super Bowl win, I briefly tuned into the new episode was called Stress Relief. It was so chaotic that I turned it off after a good woohaha. Fin.
Eventually, I stopped wasting money and reactivated my Netflix. While beefing up my queue, I added all five seasons of The office, with no real intention of watching them. I really just wanted to find the fire episode that had me LOLzing into oblivion. But since I didn't know what season it was, I had to start from the beginning. After the watching the first two seasons, I updated my resume and sent one to Dunder Mifflin. I want Michael Scott to be my boss. I have a whole bunch of nonsense trinkets from The Office, including but not limited to a Sabre aluminum water bottle. Blanyway, I recently saw Dinner For Schmucks and it was decently funny. I saw the original French version of the film like three years ago, so I already thought I was better than everyone else in the movie theater.
As we all know, Steve's contract is over at the end of the next season. Dunder Mifflin needs a new office manager, and the only person who I would love to see in that position, mainly so we can get to the bottom of that beef is Toby. I will also accept anyone else who is way less qualified and isn't Dwight K. Schrute or Jim. Either way no one can fill Michael's shoes, so this next and last Michael filled season needs to bring it because I have no problems turning off the television after 30 Rock AND my muffin top is all that.
Steve Carell: We salute you.
Eventually, I stopped wasting money and reactivated my Netflix. While beefing up my queue, I added all five seasons of The office, with no real intention of watching them. I really just wanted to find the fire episode that had me LOLzing into oblivion. But since I didn't know what season it was, I had to start from the beginning. After the watching the first two seasons, I updated my resume and sent one to Dunder Mifflin. I want Michael Scott to be my boss. I have a whole bunch of nonsense trinkets from The Office, including but not limited to a Sabre aluminum water bottle. Blanyway, I recently saw Dinner For Schmucks and it was decently funny. I saw the original French version of the film like three years ago, so I already thought I was better than everyone else in the movie theater.
As we all know, Steve's contract is over at the end of the next season. Dunder Mifflin needs a new office manager, and the only person who I would love to see in that position, mainly so we can get to the bottom of that beef is Toby. I will also accept anyone else who is way less qualified and isn't Dwight K. Schrute or Jim. Either way no one can fill Michael's shoes, so this next and last Michael filled season needs to bring it because I have no problems turning off the television after 30 Rock AND my muffin top is all that.
Steve Carell: We salute you.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
It'll Change Your Life
After I got Chipotle today, I got to watch this video. I'm so ready for football season
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Dix Du Jour: Proof Rappers Shouldn't Act*
1. Baller Blockin' [Cash Money Millionaires]
2. Paid In Full [Cam'ron]
3. Belly 2 [Game]
4. I Got The Hook Up [No Limit]
5. Hot Boyz [No Limit]
6. Get Rich or Die Tryin' [50 Cent]
7. Streets of Blood [50 Cent]
8. The X-Files: I Want to Believe [Xhibit]
9. The Marine [John Cena]**
10. Soul Plane [Snoop Dogg]^
Honorable Mention: The Wash
*Unfortunately, I've had enough time in my life to watch all of the movies. I even own a select few, which means I've watched them multiple times. I should really be embarrassed.
**John Cena has a rap album. I own an autographed copy and I know the whole thing by heart. Feel free to ask any questions. Again, I should be embarrassed.
^You know you were thinking it.
2. Paid In Full [Cam'ron]
3. Belly 2 [Game]
4. I Got The Hook Up [No Limit]
5. Hot Boyz [No Limit]
6. Get Rich or Die Tryin' [50 Cent]
7. Streets of Blood [50 Cent]
8. The X-Files: I Want to Believe [Xhibit]
9. The Marine [John Cena]**
10. Soul Plane [Snoop Dogg]^
Honorable Mention: The Wash
*Unfortunately, I've had enough time in my life to watch all of the movies. I even own a select few, which means I've watched them multiple times. I should really be embarrassed.
**John Cena has a rap album. I own an autographed copy and I know the whole thing by heart. Feel free to ask any questions. Again, I should be embarrassed.
^You know you were thinking it.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Marcel The Shell With Shoes On
So somehow or another, I get Entertainment Weekly. In this weeks issue, right next to some Dharma Beer from Lost was a list of reasons to like Marcel The Shell With Shoes On. Its so cute, I could die. Enjoy!
MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.
MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
State of the Kelli
On the eve of my 22nd birthday, I can say that I feel like I'm just starting to live. I feel content, but I also have huge plans for 2011 until whenever. In the past couple of months, my life plan has been thought about, thought again, tossed out and finalized about five times. Obviously, my Boston Terrier, Jesus Shuttlesworth stays or an black pug that is nameless as of now.
The highlight of this upcoming year is definitely my trip to Europe. Although Greece isn't one of my stops, the main purpose is to find my 'kefi'. Since it is dangerous to travel abroad alone, I decided I would go with a Perillo Tour. There are probably other tour companies out there, but Perillo has to be the best. My third grade teacher Mrs. Greenfield, would often clean her house and bring her junk in to us poor, unfortunate, urban youth. She put it neatly, by calling it a raffle. Among these things was Perillo catalogs. Since I was easilybrainwashed influenced at this age, I'd be betraying my roots but choosing another. My European Sojourn begins with a 14 day tryst with Italy, yes the whole country. Followed by a trip to Paris, then London, then back home. This month long trip wouldn't be necessary if I didn't feel entitled at 15. Before you scoff, I know I'm fortunate to go BACK to Italy, while some people never make it. But this time, I'm going to appreciate it, in a very Eat. Pray. Love kind of way. Sadly, I will not be breaking up with James Franco, or with anyone for that matter at the rate I'm going. But that's another story entirely.
Learning to DJ is also on my list of thangs to do. Since everyone seems to have a musical talent, and I can neither rap nor sing, I can contribute the next best thing. Thus, I enrolled in NY Scratch Academy so I can ultimately become DJ Kellid (no, nobody caught the DJ Khaled reference? 'Kay. Moving on.) Well, I don't plan on turning it into my career. I do plan on pimping the wedding, birthday, and mitzvah circuit for some cash. And if I should happen to "make" it, well then who am I to refuse the people what they want, or their money.
It goes without saying that there is definitely a tattoo in the works. A sleeve perhaps? I think so. But after this one, I'm only getting two more.So who knows what this year is going to bring me. I'm going to make it as happy and drama free as I possibly can. Happy Birthday to me.
P.S. When I blow out my candles, I'm wishing for Ryan Harris.
The highlight of this upcoming year is definitely my trip to Europe. Although Greece isn't one of my stops, the main purpose is to find my 'kefi'. Since it is dangerous to travel abroad alone, I decided I would go with a Perillo Tour. There are probably other tour companies out there, but Perillo has to be the best. My third grade teacher Mrs. Greenfield, would often clean her house and bring her junk in to us poor, unfortunate, urban youth. She put it neatly, by calling it a raffle. Among these things was Perillo catalogs. Since I was easily
Learning to DJ is also on my list of thangs to do. Since everyone seems to have a musical talent, and I can neither rap nor sing, I can contribute the next best thing. Thus, I enrolled in NY Scratch Academy so I can ultimately become DJ Kellid (no, nobody caught the DJ Khaled reference? 'Kay. Moving on.) Well, I don't plan on turning it into my career. I do plan on pimping the wedding, birthday, and mitzvah circuit for some cash. And if I should happen to "make" it, well then who am I to refuse the people what they want, or their money.
It goes without saying that there is definitely a tattoo in the works. A sleeve perhaps? I think so. But after this one, I'm only getting two more.So who knows what this year is going to bring me. I'm going to make it as happy and drama free as I possibly can. Happy Birthday to me.
P.S. When I blow out my candles, I'm wishing for Ryan Harris.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Dix Du Jour: Sports Movies
1. Space Jam
2. Remember The Titans
3. Little Giants
4. Any Given Sunday
5. Rudy
6. He Got Game
7. Alley Cats Strike
8. Bring It On
9. Leatherheads
10. Jerry McGuire
2. Remember The Titans
3. Little Giants
4. Any Given Sunday
5. Rudy
6. He Got Game
7. Alley Cats Strike
8. Bring It On
9. Leatherheads
10. Jerry McGuire
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Thanks Danielle For Lighting a Fire Under My Ass!
All too recently did I receive a wall post on Facebook saying that I have not blogged in over a month and need to get back on my shit because it is hard to keep bicoastal tabs on my whereabouts unless I'm blogging constantly. And I agree. I've been meaning to blog, I really have been, but I've been busy suffering from a severe bout of senioritis-1. Its called Senioritis-1 because I won't be graduating for another year, so my lazyness has gotten the best of me. I wish something exciting has been going on in my life, but it hasn't.
In all the time I haven't been blogging, I've been working on my life plan because I am once again at my wits end with this sports journalism major. I can't go into too much detail about my business plan because someone could steal my idea, and then I'd be forced to kill somebody. To make a short story even shorter, I'm going to open up my own bookstore. So if anyone is looking for a job in 3 years come find me.
My new life plan also includes a new pet. Once Mac dies, I want a Boston Terrier puppy named Jesus Shuttlesworth after Ray Allen's character in the hit Spike Lee Joint: He Got Game. Pardon the shameless plug but it is a good movie, and you should rent it if you have the chance. Before I decided on this puppy, I wanted to raise a white tiger cub. I did some light Wikipedia work to see what I could find out about white tigers. When I think of these tigers, I think of majestic creatures that look like this:
However, since white tigers are genetic mutants, they have to be inbred. Mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, or brothers and sisters have to be mated in order for this to happen. But check this shit out. Just like humans, incest causes all sorts of crazy things to happen. So some tigers are born with kitty downs syndrome, and wind up looking like little Luis Guzman tigers. A little something like this:
Now when I first came across this pictures, I literally laughed for hours on end. This tiger's misfortune shouldn't be this funny, but look at his face. I also found out that blue tigers also exist. Who knew?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Happy Birthday To Ya!
I love birthdays. I mean how could someone not love birthdays. I also believe in the zodiac, and I think the sign I am most comopatable with is a Pisces. The majority of my close friends are Pisces. But today, I'm am celebrating the birthday of my favorite Pisces, Ryan Harris of the Denver Broncos. He turns 25 today. And my obsession with him borders on unhealthy. In the off chance he's mortal and Googles himself, and this post comes up, and he clicks on it, I just want to say: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN EMERSON WILCOX HARRIS! From your number one fan.
When I say that Ryan Harris is the most alluring, gorgoeus man I have ever laid eyes on, I'm not joking. I started holding people to the Ryan standard. Which worked out quite well until I figured out that the only person who can be Ryan Harris is Ryan Harris, and that's most likely why my ass was single. I first fell in love with Ryan when I was 14 (almost 15) years old. I was sittin up in my room one summer day watching MTV. There was a new episode of True Life on called True Life: I Want The Perfect Body. It was about people who desired to change themselves without getting plastic surgery. The other people in the episode were a blur. As a matter of fact, I can only remember the mousy girl who wanted to be a fitness model. But Ryan, who was a senior in high school had to gain like 30 pounds of healthy weight in order to start for Notre Dame in the fall. When you first see Ryan in the episode he's sitting in class on the last day of his senior year. He's wearing a blue shirt and glasses and he seems like the hot guy who doesn't know he's hot. God he's so adorable, which is the first thought I had about him. But that's not when I realized that his milkshake brought me and held me captive in the yard.
The next time we see him, its at a graduation party later that same night. This was that cosmic moment that I knew he was put on this earth was for me. He leaves the party early to go to, get this, Chipotle! Chipotle is my one and only vice. I once suffered from a mild addiction to Chipotle, but that's another story. Ryan proceeds to prove that he's not a dumb ass and breaks down his burrito by nutritional value. So not only does he look good, he knows his shit and his voice is downright magical. His voice sounds like Fergie had a baby with Jesus. Just kidding. He talks like Jahiem sings, to me anyway. So you would think he couldn't out fantastic himself, we join him again making his breakfast. He makes one bagel with cream cheese and then says "I'm gonna make another one. I didn't get this big by eating one of anything." Whoa. A self aware man?!? I can dig it. And then I picked out a wedding dress.
Now all of this is well and good. Cute guy, great body, but the episode got a lot deeper than that. The one thing that I absolutely loved was how humble Ryan was about his entire situation and his work ethic. He had a job AND was exercising like crazy, so when he showed up to camp he was at his optimum performance level. Like he was steadily gaining weight and speed, and then started losing weight. But he was so persistant. A very admirable quality. So hot.
Fast forward to 2007, when Ryan has played four fantastic football seasons, even though the last one was a "rebuilding" year, and is in the NFL draft. Still hot. Still driven, officially a Bronco and unofficially the sexiest man in the NFL. This was quite devesting to me because I'm something of a Steelers fan, and I wanted him to be a Steeler so bad. Now understand the Bronco to be when I was growing up was John Elway. But there was something about him that I didn't like, so I was anti Bronco and pro Cowboy, like every one else in the 90s. Did I mention he also graduated with a 3.6 gpa?
Thank God I wised up. It was quite apparent to me that the Steelers were going to play as shiteous as possible just to spite me, and I decided to switch teams. That's right! After Troy's knee got rocked, I became a lesbian. Just kidding. I decided to root for the Broncos. So I purchased two tickets to see the Broncos play the Eagles. I got seats right behind the visitors bench so if Knowshown Moreno farted, I'd know it. But then Ryan got hurt and I sold the tickets for two seats higher up. I don't even know if Ryan was even at that game. I was with my uncle, and when were stuck in the exit gridlock, I told him "if I just run away, I have my phone and my debit card, I just saw Ryan". As I side note, I believe Freeway of State Property fame was in the parking lot selling "Fuck Dallas" Tshirts after the game. The things you'll do for love, right?
So here we are, eight years later and Ryan has accomplished quite a bit, and he should be very proud of himself. Call me! Seriously. And once again Happy Birthday.
I have also decided that I want a Boston Terrier puppy named Jesus Shuttlesworth.
When I say that Ryan Harris is the most alluring, gorgoeus man I have ever laid eyes on, I'm not joking. I started holding people to the Ryan standard. Which worked out quite well until I figured out that the only person who can be Ryan Harris is Ryan Harris, and that's most likely why my ass was single. I first fell in love with Ryan when I was 14 (almost 15) years old. I was sittin up in my room one summer day watching MTV. There was a new episode of True Life on called True Life: I Want The Perfect Body. It was about people who desired to change themselves without getting plastic surgery. The other people in the episode were a blur. As a matter of fact, I can only remember the mousy girl who wanted to be a fitness model. But Ryan, who was a senior in high school had to gain like 30 pounds of healthy weight in order to start for Notre Dame in the fall. When you first see Ryan in the episode he's sitting in class on the last day of his senior year. He's wearing a blue shirt and glasses and he seems like the hot guy who doesn't know he's hot. God he's so adorable, which is the first thought I had about him. But that's not when I realized that his milkshake brought me and held me captive in the yard.
The next time we see him, its at a graduation party later that same night. This was that cosmic moment that I knew he was put on this earth was for me. He leaves the party early to go to, get this, Chipotle! Chipotle is my one and only vice. I once suffered from a mild addiction to Chipotle, but that's another story. Ryan proceeds to prove that he's not a dumb ass and breaks down his burrito by nutritional value. So not only does he look good, he knows his shit and his voice is downright magical. His voice sounds like Fergie had a baby with Jesus. Just kidding. He talks like Jahiem sings, to me anyway. So you would think he couldn't out fantastic himself, we join him again making his breakfast. He makes one bagel with cream cheese and then says "I'm gonna make another one. I didn't get this big by eating one of anything." Whoa. A self aware man?!? I can dig it. And then I picked out a wedding dress.
Now all of this is well and good. Cute guy, great body, but the episode got a lot deeper than that. The one thing that I absolutely loved was how humble Ryan was about his entire situation and his work ethic. He had a job AND was exercising like crazy, so when he showed up to camp he was at his optimum performance level. Like he was steadily gaining weight and speed, and then started losing weight. But he was so persistant. A very admirable quality. So hot.
Fast forward to 2007, when Ryan has played four fantastic football seasons, even though the last one was a "rebuilding" year, and is in the NFL draft. Still hot. Still driven, officially a Bronco and unofficially the sexiest man in the NFL. This was quite devesting to me because I'm something of a Steelers fan, and I wanted him to be a Steeler so bad. Now understand the Bronco to be when I was growing up was John Elway. But there was something about him that I didn't like, so I was anti Bronco and pro Cowboy, like every one else in the 90s. Did I mention he also graduated with a 3.6 gpa?
Thank God I wised up. It was quite apparent to me that the Steelers were going to play as shiteous as possible just to spite me, and I decided to switch teams. That's right! After Troy's knee got rocked, I became a lesbian. Just kidding. I decided to root for the Broncos. So I purchased two tickets to see the Broncos play the Eagles. I got seats right behind the visitors bench so if Knowshown Moreno farted, I'd know it. But then Ryan got hurt and I sold the tickets for two seats higher up. I don't even know if Ryan was even at that game. I was with my uncle, and when were stuck in the exit gridlock, I told him "if I just run away, I have my phone and my debit card, I just saw Ryan". As I side note, I believe Freeway of State Property fame was in the parking lot selling "Fuck Dallas" Tshirts after the game. The things you'll do for love, right?
So here we are, eight years later and Ryan has accomplished quite a bit, and he should be very proud of himself. Call me! Seriously. And once again Happy Birthday.
I have also decided that I want a Boston Terrier puppy named Jesus Shuttlesworth.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Can Someone Tell Me What The F**K The Trillest Is Anyway?
This blogging thing is just a little weird. Like I know for sure that I have a few readers, but then what about all the other people who read my blog who I don’t know? It shouldn’t even be called a “blog” really. This is pretty much my thoughts thrown together in some sort of witty essay to make you, the reader, feel some kind of way about life. But today, I wanted to show a little fan appreciation. This person, honestly thinks I am the bee’s knees. He also suffers from insomnia and will text me at times that most people don’t even know if they really exist. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Camp Chris!
I met Camp Chris in 2008, my last year working as a slave camp counselor. This year at camp was by far my hardest. I got stuck working the voucher kids, and while I loved some of them, the others basically broke me and on the third day of camp I was in tears. Hence, why I hate other people’s bad ass children. Unfortunately, I didn’t have another job lined up like Camp Chris, so I was forced to endure slave labor summer days, while he quit and maintained some shreds of dignity and sanity.
Camp Chris is quite a character. He likes to play video games and music. In other words, he’s a cool dude. But today, he gained a bajillion cool points all because of his mad tech skillz yo! Thanks to him, I can now watch Freaknik: The Musical whenever I want. For those of you who were busy watching the Oscars to see what movie won for best picture, I was feeding my inner hood rat by watching the funniest shit I have seen in a long time. Freaknik: The Musical was executive produced by my new favorite genius T-Pain. Yea I said it, T-Pain. He is a genius, and I dare you to say something about it. I thought he outdid himself with the Bud Light commercial, but this, you need to see for yourself. I don't think there are any words to describe how good this really is.
Freaknik: The Musical is an hour long special about the ghost of Freaknik and his voice is T-Pain in autotune. For the record, Freaknik is a festival in Atlanta. So these four rappers, voiced by Rick Ross, Cee-Lo Green, Young Cash and DJ Pooh are trying to make it to the Battle of the Trillest rap battle. Add in the voices of Charlie Murphy, Kel Mitchell, Andy Samberg and Kelis playing the likes of Al Sharpton, Oprah and Jesse Jackson. Hilarity ensues. Lil Wayne voices a character called Trap Jesus. Trap Jesus. Trap Jesus. Trap Jesus. I may or may not be the only person who finds that hysterical. I spent about an hour repeating Trap Jesus to my self and LOLz-ing myself into oblivion. I even waited four hours for the encore. Blanyway, the moral of the story is to watch Freaknik, download it, and take it prime time because it is an instant classic.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
This Is How Twitter and Insomnia Kill Your Dreams!
The first order of business would be to apologize for my long break. I’ve been busy, and when the opportunity of sleep presented itself, I basically got it drunk and took extreme advantage of it. When I finally came to, it was twenty years later. I am now 41 and going through a midlife crisis, and am heading to get a tattoo to assert my “coolness”. Just kidding, it was the only colorful story I could concoct to explain my absence.
When I woke from my coma long ass nap, I became something short of an angsty teenage zombie. I ate, I dozed in and out of consciousness, and I watched an obscene amount of television. Before this weekend, I could honestly say that I have never watched a show on MSNBC…ever. But then, I came across this late night gem called Lockup. It’s a show about crazy ass criminals, and jail. If you could out-fantastic Gangland, it would be this. Plus I’m a sucker for marathons, soooooo a big thank you to the MSNBC schedulers. I guess after watching all these hardened criminals, I was feeling especially bold; because I made a mistake that I don’t think I can come back from.
To get to the root of this, we need to go back and visit my stupid, fifteen year old self. Contrary to popular belief, my obsession with guidos did not begin with Angelo of Fordham Prep fame. It began with the cast of Growing Up Gotti. This is laughable simply because even then, I had a knack for bad television. I believe that as long as the packaging is good, I’ll feed into it. John, the middle grandson was having a 16th or 18th birthday party. I thought they were stuck up because Lindsay Lohan wasn’t invited, as she was “a crazy broad who likes my older brudda”. [Editor’s Note: This is probably what made her lose her mind and became the hot mess we all know and love today.] So, John insists that he needs a famous DJ for his party. Now, way back in 2004, 50 Cent was the bee’s knees, so his DJ, DJ Whookid was enlisted for this bash. It was then and there that I knew that when and IF I got married, I needed DJ Whookid to DJ at my wedding. Simply because I loved his name, and he was down with the Gotti-Agnello clan, he was the man for my reception.
Fast forward to present day where Fiddy is standing on the corner of Lost My Hood Pass Avenue and What The Fuck Am I Gonna Do Now Road, DJ Whookid is still who I want to DJ at my wedding. I began following him on Twitter, (when the story involves Twitter, you know it’s about to get real) and we had a Twitter spat, in which I think I condemned myself to DJ Whookid-less wedding reception. See, Sir Whookidd is in Greece and tweeted:
“Ahh Greece—the city that created this festive combining of many individuals called the ORGY which brought peace on Earth…amen!”
And out of my newfound hardness, from spending hours inside America’s maximum-security prisons, I responded with:
“Greece is a country the last time I checked”
This must have gotten him really ticked off because he DOUBLE TWEETED
“@purelygenius oops meant Athens – sorry for being an ignorant American – r u happy now” and;
“@purelygenius I did say Athens on my first tweet -- Im not checking everything or spelling while Im on this Iphone”
Then DJ Whookid proceeded to start a #trendingtopic called #blockalltweetanalyzers. Now backslap me and call me paranoid, but I think he was talking about me. I was actually scared that this would burn my DJ bridge and ruin a VERY superficial part of my life. I was losing ground and had to retaliate with a double tweet of my own! So I said:
“I may or may not have just offended @DJWhooKid. I don't think he'll want to DJ at my wedding now...I'm legit sad about this.”
AND
“Thanks to my obsession with John Gotti Agnello, when I was 15 I decided that I wanted @DJWhooKid to be at my wedding, like John's birthday. Today is an extremely bad day”
Thankfully, he’s an extremely forgiving man, and he responded to my pleas with:
“@purelygenius HA! then u r not on my list - but there are some annoying ones out there and Im ready to block!”
I was relieved at the very least. I don’t think I could deal with that devastation. Also, feel free to follow me on twitter. I’ve been using it in lieu of Facebook.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I Just Had A Craving for Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and Some Vodka
Do you know those things that you cannot conceptually wrap your head around? I’m going through that right now. I just finished watching My Super Royal 16, featuring Justin Combs. Now this I completely understand. What I just can’t get is being the fruit of P. Diddy’s loins. It’s not impossible, he’s human, the man can have kids. But how cool is it to be a part Diddy? I mean forget the fact that his sons are unbelievably handsome because they have good genes and can rock unibrows like no other. My favorite part of the show was watching all the party guests. His school friends are clearly part of the Horace Mann Outta Da Hood Program, with their Nicki Minaj hair cuts. It made me giggle.
This post wasn't really thought out or planned. I actually have nothing to talk about at length so I decided to compile a list of little or likely known facts about myself.
LKFs About Me
1. I find Ecclestial music soothing. Yea, like chanting monks and stuff. I'm not sure why I like it, but I do. I don't even own any, nor do I listen to it on a regular basis. Whenever I hear it in passing I'll stop to listen and this serene feeling comes over me.
2. I plan on antiquing the one pair of slippers I own. They're almost 10 years old and are in the shape of tie dyed VW bugs. I absolutely love them and they were the last pair. I begged my mom to get them for me. At the time, they were 6 sizes too big, but now they are nice and broken into.
3. I chose my favorite sports team by the one cute guy they had on the team. The breakdown is simple. I'm a Steelers fan because of Troy Polamalu, who, for the record, I loved before the wildabeast. I like the Broncos for Ryan Harris, the sexiest man in the NFL. Fuck Reggie. And I am a die hard Celtics fan because I met Alex at a game. But I loves me some Kevin Garnett too. However, when Iverson was with the Sixers, I loved them too...for Raja Bell. I followed him to Utah before I realized it was very expensive to keep updating my fan gear when he was traded.
4. I only visit The Met to see the French rooms. This is another thing I'm not sure about why I love it, but I do.
5. If and when I'm having a baby shower, I want guests to bring their favorite kids book. I mean its only fair. And I do love books. I'm not saying I'm forcing my passions on my children but.........
6. I regret one (possibly two) of my tattoos I'm running out of unseen space and I'm now debating getting a sleeve. If I still want one in 5 years, I'm going to commit and get the sleeve.
7. I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies. I want to, because its such a staple in pop culture. I want to be in on all the jokes about the whole series of movies.
8. I wear men's deodorant because my sweat glands are on a woman but built for a man. TMI? Ehhhh you'll get over it!
9. I would love to be able to be a drag queen. I recently found a loop hole on Wikipedia. Apparently, there are women who dress in drag and they are called faux queens. Guess what my New Year's resolution for 2011 is?
10. I enjoy eating food NOT tasting cuisine...and yes there is a difference. A great to me could involve copious amounts of buffalo wings. If your about to propose, I don't need escargot and what not. And to be honest, I don't mind being taken to McDonald's on dates.
11. I want a wig.
12.When I watch TV I often answer the questions, like they asked me. I plan on being on TV at least once in my life...I might as well get some practice.
13. I miss my high school uniform. Let me tell you a lil story. When I was a freshman in college, I had to do a presentation for my Intro to Education class. Everyone showed up in dressy clothes, and I showed up in jeans and a sweatshirt. I didn't put any thought into what I wore because whenever I gave a presentation I was in my uniform. I got a C+ because of my wardrobe malfunction. One word, two syllables: BULLSHIT. Lady, that was a B presentation.
This post wasn't really thought out or planned. I actually have nothing to talk about at length so I decided to compile a list of little or likely known facts about myself.
LKFs About Me
1. I find Ecclestial music soothing. Yea, like chanting monks and stuff. I'm not sure why I like it, but I do. I don't even own any, nor do I listen to it on a regular basis. Whenever I hear it in passing I'll stop to listen and this serene feeling comes over me.
2. I plan on antiquing the one pair of slippers I own. They're almost 10 years old and are in the shape of tie dyed VW bugs. I absolutely love them and they were the last pair. I begged my mom to get them for me. At the time, they were 6 sizes too big, but now they are nice and broken into.
3. I chose my favorite sports team by the one cute guy they had on the team. The breakdown is simple. I'm a Steelers fan because of Troy Polamalu, who, for the record, I loved before the wildabeast. I like the Broncos for Ryan Harris, the sexiest man in the NFL. Fuck Reggie. And I am a die hard Celtics fan because I met Alex at a game. But I loves me some Kevin Garnett too. However, when Iverson was with the Sixers, I loved them too...for Raja Bell. I followed him to Utah before I realized it was very expensive to keep updating my fan gear when he was traded.
4. I only visit The Met to see the French rooms. This is another thing I'm not sure about why I love it, but I do.
5. If and when I'm having a baby shower, I want guests to bring their favorite kids book. I mean its only fair. And I do love books. I'm not saying I'm forcing my passions on my children but.........
6. I regret one (possibly two) of my tattoos I'm running out of unseen space and I'm now debating getting a sleeve. If I still want one in 5 years, I'm going to commit and get the sleeve.
7. I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies. I want to, because its such a staple in pop culture. I want to be in on all the jokes about the whole series of movies.
8. I wear men's deodorant because my sweat glands are on a woman but built for a man. TMI? Ehhhh you'll get over it!
9. I would love to be able to be a drag queen. I recently found a loop hole on Wikipedia. Apparently, there are women who dress in drag and they are called faux queens. Guess what my New Year's resolution for 2011 is?
10. I enjoy eating food NOT tasting cuisine...and yes there is a difference. A great to me could involve copious amounts of buffalo wings. If your about to propose, I don't need escargot and what not. And to be honest, I don't mind being taken to McDonald's on dates.
11. I want a wig.
12.When I watch TV I often answer the questions, like they asked me. I plan on being on TV at least once in my life...I might as well get some practice.
13. I miss my high school uniform. Let me tell you a lil story. When I was a freshman in college, I had to do a presentation for my Intro to Education class. Everyone showed up in dressy clothes, and I showed up in jeans and a sweatshirt. I didn't put any thought into what I wore because whenever I gave a presentation I was in my uniform. I got a C+ because of my wardrobe malfunction. One word, two syllables: BULLSHIT. Lady, that was a B presentation.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Weezy's Pimple
When I was in high school, before we took a midterm, final or regents, we were given a sheet of yellow scrap paper that you were not obliged to use for the test. However, since we had to stay for a minimum time of two hours for a three hour test, I often used mine to scribble, scrabble and sketch on. Nothing serious, just a few cartoons or even some notes for another class. When I think about it, my sketches were just a bunch of simple drawings, not unlike Lil' Wayne's tattoos. I can't lie, I thought that the lightening bolt tattoo on his forehead was the world's longest lasting pimple until last week.
I'd like to think of myself as well versed in the tattoo and piercing culture. I have a combined total of 14, and although I have stopped with the piercings, I'm constantly thinking of new tattoo ideas. I got my first tattoo on my18th birthday. It was a gift from Dawn, my ex boyfriends mother. One of my favorite things about her was her tattoos. I think she had about thirteen at my last count like three years ago. Blanyway, her gift to me was my first tattoo, which is kind of a sacred bond between two people. The tattoo itself is a Celtic knot symbolizing eternal life with the names of my deceased family members. Little did I know that for the remainder of my relationship, this one tattoo would be thrown in my face as the gift that didn't need to be given. To which I say, if it wasn't permanent, I would give it back, but I can't so that thought is useless. That thought also includes MANY four letter words.
Then I got to thinking, on all of the tattoo shows, every person has a sob back story to explain why they are choosing that tattoo. And I awkwardly find myself trying to explain a tattoo to the artist. I really don't owe you an explanation. But it makes for good conversation when you run out if things to say in an hour. My last tattoo is an Autobot logo, yeah I said it. I fell in love with Transformers COMPLETELY on accident. All I know is that I am one.
I'd like to think of myself as well versed in the tattoo and piercing culture. I have a combined total of 14, and although I have stopped with the piercings, I'm constantly thinking of new tattoo ideas. I got my first tattoo on my18th birthday. It was a gift from Dawn, my ex boyfriends mother. One of my favorite things about her was her tattoos. I think she had about thirteen at my last count like three years ago. Blanyway, her gift to me was my first tattoo, which is kind of a sacred bond between two people. The tattoo itself is a Celtic knot symbolizing eternal life with the names of my deceased family members. Little did I know that for the remainder of my relationship, this one tattoo would be thrown in my face as the gift that didn't need to be given. To which I say, if it wasn't permanent, I would give it back, but I can't so that thought is useless. That thought also includes MANY four letter words.
Then I got to thinking, on all of the tattoo shows, every person has a sob back story to explain why they are choosing that tattoo. And I awkwardly find myself trying to explain a tattoo to the artist. I really don't owe you an explanation. But it makes for good conversation when you run out if things to say in an hour. My last tattoo is an Autobot logo, yeah I said it. I fell in love with Transformers COMPLETELY on accident. All I know is that I am one.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Random Bites for Your Midnight Snack
Knowing that money is Mr. Krabs only weakness, why doesn't Plankton just buy a Krabby Patty? I know the correct answer to this is that it would end that plot line. But I would still like to see how it would go down.
What is the satisfaction people get from saying that they already knew something, especially since everyone knows it already? And I'm not talking about small things like a band. I'm talking about really big things, like a secret. Everyone knows already, why do you have to add that you already knew?
Why is everyone, myself included, so fascinated with guidos? I remember my first favorite guido. He talked about himself in the third person and wore a 2x shirt and medium pants. His name ended in a vowel, and he was probably last seen wearing Ed Hardy. But honestly, what makes them so special? Other cultures can be way more exciting. Personally, I'm Puerto Rican by extended family and everything else when I think it's cool.
At what point is an obsession considered unhealthy? I think my biffle Aaron and I have what can potentially be an unhealthy obsession. It began with this girrl who ticked us both off for reasons that I cannot divulge to you. We started with innocently talking about her and how trifilling she actually was. That grew into a form of cyber bullying, which consisted of us just disagreeing with anything she had to say. Now I IM or text Aaron everyday with the outrageous things she says to her celebrity crushes on Twitter. I told Aaron that what we were doing was possibly unhealthy, and just said that we were expressing our feelings about her, which is funny because all those thoughts are negative.
Is it just me or does anyone else feel kind of creepy watching Law & Order: SVU marathons? I first got into this show in high school when a friend of mine suggested I watch it, and then I was hooked. I recently watched all the episodes on Netflix Instant Watch and 200 hours later I felt awkward that I could watch that many fictional, but nonetheless frightening, sex crimes take place AND that it was for entertainment.
I think we should all take the time to thank Kid CuDi for something. I'm not sure what it is, but just when I thought I couldn't love him anymore, he did this, and I fell in love with him all over again.
Last night, I had a brain fart and watched the Mo'Nique show and she had the male models from the new show Model City as guests. I felt some type of way that none of them were half nekkid. I also felt some type of way about making it through 34 minutes of her show, with the volume on 1 and I still heard her loud and clear.
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