VMAs 2010 Thingy

Well, well, well. Another night full of industry lackluster that had too much hype. And to be honest, I ate that shit up like Snooki with a jar of pickles. Before the VMAs, I deadened my mind with what seemed like 10 minutes, but was really three hours, of Lego Batman on my 360. But when the clock turned 8, I grabbed a cup of applesauce and a glass of water laced with Benefiber and I was ready to get reckless.

The first VJ to make an appearance was Tim Kash. At that point, I was so thankful for my ability to multi task, because I opened a new tab and read everything I needed to know about him. Yea, he is that cute. But he isn't photogenic. Either way his accent is to die for and he looked adorable in his very well made suit. [Editor's Note: I'm a sucker for a man who looks symmetrical in a suit. When I get married, my groom will be in a John Varvatos, no questions asked.] He introduced Drake, which got me thinking, why the hell did everyone slack off on their entrances this year? No elephants, not entourages, nothing. That's what I like to call "disappointing". Not even Kim Kardashian arrived in her "own" beloved Bentley. But I digress. Drake is looking kind of skinny nowadays, but he makes up for it with a charming personality and the illusion of a huge.....ego.

Unfortunately, Suchin Pak let the masses of brain dead MTV viewers dress her, and it showed. What was supposed to be "high fashion", looked like an Annie Sez original with no shape. Another disappointment, because no matter where I go or what I wear, Asian girls are always wearing it better. As per my notes, I was curious as to how old she really was. After some light Wiki work, I found out that she is in fact 34 years old. Now age isn't anything really, but she should start making plans to transition to VH1 soon. Queue Trey Songz and his shirt. Trey does have some sort of sex appeal. He's doing to this generation, what Tyrese did to us with Sweet Lady. I can appreciate it, but I know those checks are rolling in, so he should invest in a meal. Speaking of pure seks, Jay Sean is legit the most adorable nugget on this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Therefore, I will be taking a vacation to London and find me a crooner of South Asian descent. Yea, he's THAT cute.

My most guiltiest pleasure is Jersey Shore. It hurts my brain so good, and like a battered woman, I keep coming back. Snooki had a refreshed look about her, along with a new hairstyle. Had her hair been blond, I would have thought she was Christina Aguilera. Jenni's breasticles defy gravity, but we all can't be so lucky. Sam, well we all know I feel that her vagina should fall in to a vat of acid in Chernobyl, and then, Ron can do some more devastation by a method of his own choosing. The Situation is a creepy old man. He's not in the least bit attractive, and he should really come off the juice. Vinny just got his heart broken the hour before, but at least he got some camera time. And last but not least, DJ Pauly D. Paul DelVechhio. Pauly D. Pauly fuckin D. His hotness just creeps up on me at all crazy times. Its gotten to a point where I need to hide my kids, hide my wife. I wish guido seks was that good when I was in high school.

More filler, more commercials and what was supposed to be a phenomenal performance from Nicki Minaj. Let's just say that she chose the wrong night to not lip sync. The outfit was wrong, the song was wrong, the special helmet wig was right. But just when you thought it couldn't get much wronger, Will.i.Am's crazy ass come out  in jet-black face. I love Nicki Minaj as much as the next gay, but she just failed. The pre show was over, and I took another bathroom break because Eminem's opening performance featured Rihanna and no good can come of that. [Editor's Note: I just got a strange craving for microwaved eggs and I feel gross about it.] As a host, Chelsea Handler was different. I like her more than I like Russell Brand, so there's an automatic win. I also like that she is obsessed with T.I. and Justin Bieber. She put herself out there, didn't try too hard and at the end of the night, I enjoyed her. Lindsay Lohan made one of those appearances to make fun of her life and show she's attempting to get it together. Hopefully, she slows down, she's too young to die, and old enough to know better.

Taylor Swift is doing an Irish Jig on my last raw nerve. Did she really have to perform the song she made for Kanye West? I haven't really heard anything NEW by her since the "situation". She may have thought that was cute but it is time to move on. That sad ass song did nothing for her and enormous bare feet. Fortunately for us, Aziz Ansari, [Editor's Note: This Indian Boy phase I'm going through will end soon. Maybe] who is actually good friends with Kanye, said what the majority of us were thinking: Kanye's interruption was funny, because real life is funny. His song Runaway was the best song of the night. Linkin Park was also a fantastic addition. The DJ for the show was DJ Deadmau5 and he did a phenomenal job.

Oh and while wearing Alexander McQueen, armadillo shoes and a dress that resembled meat, Lady Gaga won everything.