Columbus Keith Short
Showing posts with label Bush and Tush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bush and Tush. Show all posts
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
I Don't Even Drive My Bentley
I realized that my Super Bowl 44 post was kind of weak, so I'm going to give some extra effort today. Especially since I found out that I now have a grand total of TWO readers! That's right, count 'em, one AND two. It's really hard being as perfect as me, and I completely understand if you couldn't make it through that last statement without laughing.
For my last ever attempt at anything Super Bowl 44 related, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are not going to get married just yet. I mean a marriage should not be based on a football game; that's too risky. It should be based on the love you have for one another. And yes I did learn that point from eHarmony. Kim is also a good six years older than Reggie. She was also married once before. Remember that? When she was 19 (ten years ago mind you) and she eloped. Or the fact that no self respecting man, would want Ray-J's sloppy seconds. I mean she is a pretty face, and if I had the Crayola people to make up my face everyday, I imagine I could stop traffic too. If you watch the show, you know that the whole Klan of Kardasian Krazies is out of control. Can we even be sure they were football fans before Kim and Reggie were dating? That would me that they would have to admit to like Ray J's music, and that's just preposterous. If they do get married, it's a publicity stunt, or she's pregnant. If she was really scheming, she should know that between now and next month would be the time to trap him. I was talking to a friend of mine and we came to the conclusion that Kim Kardashian is NOT as rich as she says she is. She drives her own Bentley, but rich people have drivers. Hey, we can't all be P. Diddy.
Before we get started, I have a new prop to make me seem cooler, as it improves my already awesome party trick of opening beer bottles with my teeth. Now don't go telling people that I shop at Hot Topic. I feel like my fiscally responsible, totally happy, 21 year old self is cheating on life with my emo, teenage angsty self. These are some really dope platform stilettos that will eventually break my ankle when my friend Tequila fails me yet again. But they have bottle openers in the heels. If it were anyway at all to out fantastic anything fantastic, this would be it.
Blanyway, I am a huge movie fan, mainly because movies are exponentially more entertaining than anything that will ever happen to me. There are so many good movies that are coming out this year, Iron Man 2, Shrek: The Final Chapter and Avatar: The Last Airbender are some of my must sees. However, my most obvious choice would be Percy Jackson and The Olympians: The Lightening Thief, in theaters this Friday. I will be seeing this movie for my Valentines Day date. Don't be silly, we all know I'm going with my single self. When I took my cousin/child Brittany to see New Moon (again), we saw a coming attraction for Percy Jackson, we squealed like 14 year olds. The main problem being that she really is 14 and I am not. Thankfully we were savvy enough to go to Barnes and Nobles expressly after the movie to buy the entire series of books. This is a series of books based on Greek mythology, and seeing as I was a Classics scholar in high school, I eat this shit up like it is candy. Nectar of the gods if you will. I am currently trying to muster up enough energy to finish book 4. It's not that I don't want to read it, I just don't have the time to sit down and read with my crazy television and Netflix schedules. I am actually quite scared to see it, because I get quite upset when when movies aren't true to the book. Even though this worked out quite well for Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.
Mondays are especially intense for television schedule. I have to watch RuPaul's Drag Race, and Untucked mainly because my veins will be itching uncontrollably if I do not. But for those of you who have any free time on Mondays between 8 and 9 pm, let me hook you up to this little gem called: The Secret Life of the American Teenager. This show is about sex. Who is doing it, who isn't doing it, who should and shouldn't be doing it and of course the MANY different combinations and styles of doing it. This show is completely JUICY. The producers of TSLOTAT have proven that there is no shortage of drama in high school. I had NO idea there was that much sex around me when I was high school. High school sex was Angelo after football practice, and that was good enough. Molly Ringwald is in it, and so is that girl that played Bernie Mac's niece, Vanessa. If you want to catch up, there is a marathon on Monday, February 15 at 2pm. Seven full hours, and I am parking my tuchus in front of the television for all of them. Bottom line, the show is good, and have I ever steered you wrong?
Now for our grand finale, a recap of RuPaul's Drag Race. When we last left our heroines, they were asked to create outfits based on the Scarlett O'Hara idea of making an outfit out of curtains and used home furnishings. Morgan McMichaels won, because her look was very Cher Geefani, a mix of Cher and Fergie and Gwen Stefani. Mystique used her one and only party trick, a big girl split, to save her soul, and Shangela was sent home. The mini challenge this week was to transform a RuPaul doll into a whore. If anyone knows where to find one of these dolls, and is feeling generous, please feel free to buy me one. I promise you my second born child and my spare kidney. This mini challenge determined the team captains for the main challenge. And that challenge was burlesque dancing, The teams had a choreographed dance and solo dances. My least favorite person of the episode was Tyra , and I hoped that she was the one to go home this week, but despite her serving fish and bitch, she was safe. The bottom two were Raven, who will "take your man" and Nicole Page Brooks, a southern saloon madame. They lip synced to En Vogue's Never Gonna Get It. Raven rocked it, especially when she sanctioned all the other queens to sing back up during the breakdown. We all no that in my Valhalla, there will be drag queens doing 90s style breakdowns.
Seeing as I am in desperate need of getting my hair done, my journey to becoming a Gay Icon is a dream detoured.
For my last ever attempt at anything Super Bowl 44 related, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are not going to get married just yet. I mean a marriage should not be based on a football game; that's too risky. It should be based on the love you have for one another. And yes I did learn that point from eHarmony. Kim is also a good six years older than Reggie. She was also married once before. Remember that? When she was 19 (ten years ago mind you) and she eloped. Or the fact that no self respecting man, would want Ray-J's sloppy seconds. I mean she is a pretty face, and if I had the Crayola people to make up my face everyday, I imagine I could stop traffic too. If you watch the show, you know that the whole Klan of Kardasian Krazies is out of control. Can we even be sure they were football fans before Kim and Reggie were dating? That would me that they would have to admit to like Ray J's music, and that's just preposterous. If they do get married, it's a publicity stunt, or she's pregnant. If she was really scheming, she should know that between now and next month would be the time to trap him. I was talking to a friend of mine and we came to the conclusion that Kim Kardashian is NOT as rich as she says she is. She drives her own Bentley, but rich people have drivers. Hey, we can't all be P. Diddy.
Before we get started, I have a new prop to make me seem cooler, as it improves my already awesome party trick of opening beer bottles with my teeth. Now don't go telling people that I shop at Hot Topic. I feel like my fiscally responsible, totally happy, 21 year old self is cheating on life with my emo, teenage angsty self. These are some really dope platform stilettos that will eventually break my ankle when my friend Tequila fails me yet again. But they have bottle openers in the heels. If it were anyway at all to out fantastic anything fantastic, this would be it.
Blanyway, I am a huge movie fan, mainly because movies are exponentially more entertaining than anything that will ever happen to me. There are so many good movies that are coming out this year, Iron Man 2, Shrek: The Final Chapter and Avatar: The Last Airbender are some of my must sees. However, my most obvious choice would be Percy Jackson and The Olympians: The Lightening Thief, in theaters this Friday. I will be seeing this movie for my Valentines Day date. Don't be silly, we all know I'm going with my single self. When I took my cousin/child Brittany to see New Moon (again), we saw a coming attraction for Percy Jackson, we squealed like 14 year olds. The main problem being that she really is 14 and I am not. Thankfully we were savvy enough to go to Barnes and Nobles expressly after the movie to buy the entire series of books. This is a series of books based on Greek mythology, and seeing as I was a Classics scholar in high school, I eat this shit up like it is candy. Nectar of the gods if you will. I am currently trying to muster up enough energy to finish book 4. It's not that I don't want to read it, I just don't have the time to sit down and read with my crazy television and Netflix schedules. I am actually quite scared to see it, because I get quite upset when when movies aren't true to the book. Even though this worked out quite well for Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.
Mondays are especially intense for television schedule. I have to watch RuPaul's Drag Race, and Untucked mainly because my veins will be itching uncontrollably if I do not. But for those of you who have any free time on Mondays between 8 and 9 pm, let me hook you up to this little gem called: The Secret Life of the American Teenager. This show is about sex. Who is doing it, who isn't doing it, who should and shouldn't be doing it and of course the MANY different combinations and styles of doing it. This show is completely JUICY. The producers of TSLOTAT have proven that there is no shortage of drama in high school. I had NO idea there was that much sex around me when I was high school. High school sex was Angelo after football practice, and that was good enough. Molly Ringwald is in it, and so is that girl that played Bernie Mac's niece, Vanessa. If you want to catch up, there is a marathon on Monday, February 15 at 2pm. Seven full hours, and I am parking my tuchus in front of the television for all of them. Bottom line, the show is good, and have I ever steered you wrong?
Now for our grand finale, a recap of RuPaul's Drag Race. When we last left our heroines, they were asked to create outfits based on the Scarlett O'Hara idea of making an outfit out of curtains and used home furnishings. Morgan McMichaels won, because her look was very Cher Geefani, a mix of Cher and Fergie and Gwen Stefani. Mystique used her one and only party trick, a big girl split, to save her soul, and Shangela was sent home. The mini challenge this week was to transform a RuPaul doll into a whore. If anyone knows where to find one of these dolls, and is feeling generous, please feel free to buy me one. I promise you my second born child and my spare kidney. This mini challenge determined the team captains for the main challenge. And that challenge was burlesque dancing, The teams had a choreographed dance and solo dances. My least favorite person of the episode was Tyra , and I hoped that she was the one to go home this week, but despite her serving fish and bitch, she was safe. The bottom two were Raven, who will "take your man" and Nicole Page Brooks, a southern saloon madame. They lip synced to En Vogue's Never Gonna Get It. Raven rocked it, especially when she sanctioned all the other queens to sing back up during the breakdown. We all no that in my Valhalla, there will be drag queens doing 90s style breakdowns.
Seeing as I am in desperate need of getting my hair done, my journey to becoming a Gay Icon is a dream detoured.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Pass Dat Guacamole!
The Super Bowl is the Holy Land of the NFL. Every year millions of people tune in to watch for their own reasons. For some, its the commercials, for the others its the half time show and for me, it's research for finding who the fine men in NFL are. However, this year my purpose is to throw shade to Kim Kardashian. Like I wonder if the Kardashian Klan would be Saints fans if they didn't have a personal stake in the matter. I originally planned on updating my Facebook statuses to make snide remarks at her, like Kim Kardashian wears a size 6 HAHAHA, but then I realized I'm giving her free publicity. But I digress. Before we get into the meat of things, I would like to say that this post will not get into the schematics of football. However, if you don't know anything about football, we cannot be friends.
The commercials I anticipated the most, were the ones that failed miserably. I wanted the Tim Tebow commercial with the anti abortion message to be more touching. Not him tackling his mother. I mean he is a quarterback, at least have his mother catch a ball or get hit in the face. ANYTHING but what I got. I'm not a fan of Bud Light, but the commercials were fantastic. They were very creative. The commercial of the night that catered to the old woman in me was the Snickers commercial with Betty White and Abe Vigoda. The company that did THE BEST with their advertising was Doritos. "Keep your hands off my momma and don't touch my Doritos", accompanied by a slap, was the greatest thing I saw in the first half. Needless to say, that wouldn't have gone down had he hit that lil nigga with a freeze pop. When the second half came along, the Saints' Pierre Thomas scored, after I found out he was cute (moving anyway, because he is NOT photogenic), I was hit with the gem of Stevie Wonder playing Punch Buggy. How genius is that, because he's blind.
I'm not a rock fan. I get down with it occasionally but I need variety. When they announced that The Who would be be performing, I was less than thrilled. I like for my halftime show to have some soul. Thankfully, Queen Latifah was the redemption The Who. I would have preferred Rihanna, and we all know how I feel about her. As a sidenote, how cool would it be if someone could actually pull Troy Polamalu out of a hole, and if he saw his shadow we had 6 more weeks of football? That would be fantastic. Reggie Bush hasn't really done work in the past three seasons. He was eye candy and rightfully so because is DAMN FOINE. I put my money on the Saints solely because of Reggie Bush's cover of Essence. And If I ever hear that Kim had a problem with her man posing nekkid with his nipples out, I have a few things to say about that. But he did work for this game. I was honestly impressed. When they won, my first thought was "I'm rich bitch" even though I am not really a gambler. Nobody I know predicted the correct score. I was a little over zealous with my prediction with the Saints scoring 41 points, but whatever.
Hopefully the Saints will have a good season next year too, because the Steelers had an epically bad season after their SuperBowl 43 win.
Lastly, everyone who doubts T-Pain, he's making his PAPER!
The commercials I anticipated the most, were the ones that failed miserably. I wanted the Tim Tebow commercial with the anti abortion message to be more touching. Not him tackling his mother. I mean he is a quarterback, at least have his mother catch a ball or get hit in the face. ANYTHING but what I got. I'm not a fan of Bud Light, but the commercials were fantastic. They were very creative. The commercial of the night that catered to the old woman in me was the Snickers commercial with Betty White and Abe Vigoda. The company that did THE BEST with their advertising was Doritos. "Keep your hands off my momma and don't touch my Doritos", accompanied by a slap, was the greatest thing I saw in the first half. Needless to say, that wouldn't have gone down had he hit that lil nigga with a freeze pop. When the second half came along, the Saints' Pierre Thomas scored, after I found out he was cute (moving anyway, because he is NOT photogenic), I was hit with the gem of Stevie Wonder playing Punch Buggy. How genius is that, because he's blind.
I'm not a rock fan. I get down with it occasionally but I need variety. When they announced that The Who would be be performing, I was less than thrilled. I like for my halftime show to have some soul. Thankfully, Queen Latifah was the redemption The Who. I would have preferred Rihanna, and we all know how I feel about her. As a sidenote, how cool would it be if someone could actually pull Troy Polamalu out of a hole, and if he saw his shadow we had 6 more weeks of football? That would be fantastic. Reggie Bush hasn't really done work in the past three seasons. He was eye candy and rightfully so because is DAMN FOINE. I put my money on the Saints solely because of Reggie Bush's cover of Essence. And If I ever hear that Kim had a problem with her man posing nekkid with his nipples out, I have a few things to say about that. But he did work for this game. I was honestly impressed. When they won, my first thought was "I'm rich bitch" even though I am not really a gambler. Nobody I know predicted the correct score. I was a little over zealous with my prediction with the Saints scoring 41 points, but whatever.
Hopefully the Saints will have a good season next year too, because the Steelers had an epically bad season after their SuperBowl 43 win.
Lastly, everyone who doubts T-Pain, he's making his PAPER!
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