Bare Essentials of Insomnia

When I was in high school, the quintessential hood rat phone was the T-Mobile Sidekick. I was miles behind the pack and had a Motorola V3 RZR. Though I did eventually get a then coveted Sidekick, I'm not so sure that my transition to a smart phone was a healthy one. I invested in a Sidekick 3 because my Razor had been shot to shit by my excessive use. Even though, I mainly used it to argue with my then boyfriend. The back light died, then the speaker went and one night in my dorm room, I decided I needed a newer, more durable phone. We all know that cell phone companies are a racket and of course I was ineligible for an upgrade on a bogus technicality. So I took to ebay.com to find a Sidekick and when it arrived, I was very excited in a very dorky way.

My 'Kick had me addicted with the first IM. I could be reached at anytime and it was all in the palm of my hand. I liked the Sidekick because it was quite exclusive to my campus. I was one of three people who had it. With this phone, I became a texting whiz. I PBd at 160 characters in under a minute. Ringtones?!?!? Bitch please! I had a different ringtone for every person in my contacts. This was all well and good...in Springfield. I often forget that I come from an urban area where hood shit is prevalent. I came home to find that EVERYONE had the exact same phone. But I had tasted the nectar from the Smartphone tree, and there was no turning back. I dabbled in phones including a later model of the Sidekick, and when I changed to Sprint, a diet Sidekick which was more like a nemesis. I eventually settled down with my Blackberry and it is the third hemisphere of my brain. I CANNOT survive without it.

It allows me to do absolutely heinous things like draft a blog entry at 4:14 AM, eastern standard time, all for my 1 reader. This phone keeps me connected to all sorts of useless shit: Facebook, Twitter, Blackberry Messenger, AIM, Yahoo Messenger, and my necessary, yet useless email. Rarely do I use it to make phone calls, which is a sign that the tech world needs to get back to basics.

That was a completely useless and irrelevant back story about trying not to look like a sketch ball by typing away on my phone under the covers to tell a story. But I wanted my reader to know how much she has me committed to keeping our bi-coastal creeping aflame. What I really wanted to talk about was infomercials. While I'm stuck battling a slight bout of insomnia, I've been watching some infomercials. The people behind these things are brilliant.

Late at night, or in the wee hours of the morning, most of the world is fast asleep. So why advertise when theoretically every one is supposed to be in dreamland? Because these products cater to the poor sleepless souls of America. Four times this week I came thisclose to ordering some makeup to cover my unsightly under eye circles. Ironically, I wouldn't see this commercial or need this product if I wasn't up at this forsaken hour.

Give Me Face!

I think this point has been blatantly obvious since the late 1990s, but reality television is intensely addicting. This week there was a slight change in my sleeping pattern, causing me to stay up until about seven in the morning. Now knowing me, sleep is probably the one thing I can do better than anyone else, simply because I am a lazy bones. I wish the world would see that I am not lazy, I am in fact resting up for my thirties, but I don’t see that happening.

Although I am a lover of cartoons, I have taken some time out from my animated roots and have spent countless hours loving reality television. Just in case you have been living under a rock for the past year or so, the baby making business is BOOMING. Who cares if obnoxiously sized families are eating through the world’s already limited resources? I sure as hell don’t because it makes for some good television. Most recently, I have taken a liking to the Duggar family…again. My relationship with the Duggars began sometime in 2007. That was when there were only 15 Duggars. However tonight, there is the delivery of the 19^th Duggar baby, and I could not be more excited…for all the wrong reasons.

The Duggars are a conservative Christian family. All the kids are home schooled. The girls don’t wear bikinis, or pants. They all dress in super essential basics. In theory, this is ideal. They want people to pay attention to their countenance. We can be thankful that they have fabulous genes, because I do not think this would fly so well had they been ugly and needed brand names to make up for their imperfections. But if I had to be reborn into a different family, it’s a toss up between the Kardashians and the Duggars. They spend their time driving across the country, doing all sort of fun things like being in plays and whatnot. One of my favorite things about the show is that we get little trivia tidbits through out the show. Things like they love pickles, or that if all of her pregnancies were consecutive, Momma Duggar would be pregnant for 13 years or something like that.

For the most part the Duggar kids are normal and healthy, but now I’m beginning to wonder when they are going to get a little spice in their lives. I really want to see a baby with like six fingers or something. On the last episode, Michelle Duggar, the woman who has delivered every single one of the Duggar children through her Super Cervix, announces that she is pregnant. She thought that she couldn’t possibly be pregnant because she’s in a later stage of life than most women who have babies. Actually, the youngest Duggar, Jordyn still has a loose neck when the pregnancy is announced.

Michelle Duggar is actually very cool. Sarah Palin wises she was maverick like this lady. Did you know that only three weeks after giving birth, PREMATURELY, to baby 19, she was at a rally to ban alcohol from local convenience stores. Well actually, I don’t agree with this, but the point is, she’s a little Viking.

Another guilty pleasure of mine is drag queens. Obviously, RuPaul’s drag race is the complete essential. If I were every half the woman RuPaul was, I’d die happy. Basically, the queens compete in weekly challenges, you know same old thing. They make their own costumes and go from men to women and are judged by a panel of judges. But it gets better, the queens in the bottom two get to battle it out one last time to save themselves. They get to lip sync. Is that not the best idea ever? Could you imagine if the world’s problem were solved by a no holds barred lip sync battle? I would only perform Mariah Carey songs. And maybe a Celine Dion ballad. The hoodrat in me would prefer a little bit of Mary J. Blige, and more specifically, Real Love. Anyway a new season began last night. I wasn’t all that impressed with the queens. My favorite got eliminated. But my next favorite is Jessica Wild, who is Puerto Rican, from San Juan. I hope she wins it all.

They even have an after show called “Untucked”. I need this person to script my life. My new secondary goal in life may be to become a Gay Icon, because that seems to work out well.

I Don't Hate Rihanna, I Hate Talentless Famewhores

I guess I’m not a “true” football fan because this years Pro Bowl slipped under the radar. Of course, had the love of my life Ryan Harris not been injured, the Grammy’s may not have been what I was watching either. Especially when I found out that Eminem won the award for Best Rap Album. But I’ll get to that later.

Normally, I only do the pre-show thing for the VMAs. But I decided it was time for a change. I thought it would be cool to write down my predictions, but when I go to the website, I saw that a decent amount of the awards had already been given out. As I read the nominees list, I saw that Eminem, had beat Mos Def, Q-Tip, The Roots AND Common for Best Rap Album. Clearly, the people who vote for the winners have no phunk. I honestly WAS going to watch the Pro Bowl, but then I remembered that Slash was performing so the Grammys were saved. Queue Lady Gaga.

I wasn’t all that excited about Lady Gaga until the one and only Elijah Kelly became her temporary hype man. For those of you who don’t know who Elijah Kelly is, he played Seaweed Stubbs in the motion picture Hairspray. He also taught me a lesson that saved my life: The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. But that’s a story for a different day. I enjoyed Gagaloo’s 90s style breakdown of Poker Face, but I was slightly disappointed in her fashion choice. I got bored with that so I took that time for a bathroom break. That was when Elton John showed up, and I was surprised to see how underplayed his appearance was. Thankfully, Stephan Colbert was there to deliver a monologue to get this party started. He made his exclusive iPad comment to Jay-Z and Jay remained stoic. Is it just me or do you want to get deep into Jay’s thoughts? He always has that look on his face like something is definitely going on, but we, being mere mortals can never know what that is.

What followed was some sort of high school drama production set to Green Day’s 21 Guns. It was like Fame meets rock opera meets thirty-somethings in tapered jeans and platform shoes. But I enjoyed it.

Boring Fillers. Blah Blah. Yada Yada.

Can someone please inform me as to why Beyonce’s performance included a whole S.W.A.T. team? I thought she was going to hit us with some up-tempo Beyo-fierceness, but when “If I Were A Boy” started I knew that it was all for show. Actually, I thought that her wig wasn’t secure, until she gave me visual whiplash. As a side note, when / if I get a wig, I’m going to secure it so I can give the Beyonce All Day. Can someone also tell me who told her it was good idea to cover Alanis Morrissette’s “You Oughta Know”? As per my notes, my exact words were “Oh shit! B, do not ruin this for me”. But she did, and I’m over her. She really needs to lie down and birth a Roc-A-Baby. She so wants to be a mother, and I’m sure Solange will appreciate not giving up her son to be Beyonce’s arm candy.

As far as fashion choices go, P!nk’s outfit was out of control. When I get my Urban Hang Suite, I will alternate between her robe/rope ensemble and my Baduist head wrap.

For the most part, after this I didn’t pay attention except for Jamie Foxx’s performance. The art of subtlety is lost on T-Pain. I mean who really didn’t know it was him in that bouffant white wig? The best part of that performance was Slash. Slash is a simple equation:

Top hat + Hair +Cigarette+ Guitar + Stunna Shades =Slash.

He’s still hawt.

The last thing I’m going to touch on is my complete disdain for Taylor Swift and Rihanna. I will say that I’m glad Rihanna flew under the radar. Maybe she had the fear that the blood would get smacked out her mouth again if she decided to show out. And Taylor Swift’s time is limited. She’s not for me, and I predict that in a few years she’s going to go bat shit crazy, marry Ke$ha or Lindsay Lohan and be pregnant by Kanye, which would be so ironic that the world explodes around us.

Oh wait, I forgot to talk about the Michael Jackson tribute. I was against the idea of a tribute, because I was still recovering from the overdose of Jackson from the past few months. But it was very beautiful, even though I didn’t have a pair of 3-D glasses at my disposal. I loved his kids accepting the award, and they are very much HIS children.

Overall, “Music’s Biggest Night” was quite lame and tame. Better luck next year Grammys.

"Home of the Whopper, What's Your Beef?"

When I read other blogs, I often find that they have days dedicated to certain topics. I like that idea and I hereby dub Thursdays as Ticked Off Thursdays. I was unusually ticked off today. Let's see if we can figure out why.

I was flat on my ass broke for a period of about 3 weeks this summer. Well this isn't entirely true. I didn't have the means to afford luxuries that I took for granted. But after acquiring some funds, the legal way (gotta love those tax refunds), I was able to go out and do somethings I haven't done in a while. One being going to the movies. One movie that I've been wanting to see all summer was Orphan. Now this movie is rated R. R for Restricted. The MPAA or Motion Picture Association of America says:

An R-rated motion picture, in the view of the Rating Board, contains some adult material. An R-rated motion picture may include adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse or other elements, so that parents are counseled to take this rating very seriously. Children under 17 are not allowed to attend R-rated motion pictures unaccompanied by a parent or adult guardian. Parents are strongly urged to find out more about R-rated motion pictures in determining their suitability for their children. Generally, it is not appropriate for parents to bring their young children with them to R-rated motion pictures.

I would like to emphasize 'Generally, it is not appropriate for parents to bring their young children with them to R-rated motion pictures'. I believe that generally it is not appropriate for parents to bring their young children into any movie over PG. Get Netflix or something. It's cheaper and more accommodating than a movie theater. Well not only was there a bunch of kids, but some parent of the year candidate brought a baby to see this movie. That's right, I paid $12.5o to see a horror movie to the soundtrack of a cooing baby. SERIOUSLY?!?!? And if I say something, then I'm wrong...whatever. The movie itself wasn't that bad. I'll definitely recommend it to people.

After leaving the movie, I met up with some friends, and some friends of some friends. My friends, amazing as usual. The Others could have gone someplace. We separated into the 21+ crowd, which included Tara, Evin and recently, myself and The Others, who I don't know any of their names cuz they all sucked and they pissed me off, so I decided to create some extremely awkward moments to make myself feel a whole lot better for hanging out with The Real World lost season cast. As a side note, there were seven of them and out of those seven THREE of them had lisps. I hate lisps. But I do love the cruel sonofabitch who decided to provide me with endless hours of entertainment by putting the letter 's' in the word lisp. Hahaha. Gets me every time. We reunited so they can take the train home, and on the way to Penn Station, we met Fabolous's younger brother, Joe Jackson and his 'posse' Team New Money. I'm actually not pissed off at this point. I just had a great night. Tara and Evin walked me to take a cab. I gave him specific directions to get to the Bronx, and he took me to New Jersey. I'm not kidding. He took a wrong turn because he was yapping on the phone. But on the return trip, his phone rings again, and he picks it up, even though he just made a costly mistake by doing the exact same thing.

So the cabbie decides to turn the meter off and when he finally finds his way to my house, he wanted to charge me $35 so he can get money back for paying the toll. The toll we had to take because HE got lost. FYI the fare is usually $25-28 from Penn Station. So then he said he would give me a discount. Okay, he wants to work with me. I look at the meter and he changed the price to, and I'm not kidding, $32.99. Um, I'm not paying a cent over $28. So now we have ourselves a wee bit of a problemo. After arguing me down about it, and after me giving him a choice between 28 or nothing, he gave in to $28. But I didn't sign the receipt so it might not be a valid purchase..oops.

But honestly who does he think he is, telling me that I had to reimburse him for his mistake? I mean we'd all be filthy rich if we were repayed for our mistakes. Who do you think was right?

I'm Embarrassing Myself

The title of this entry holds true. I am about to embarrass myself by divulging a secret. I'm completely addicted to The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Why? I don't really know, but I do know that I will never miss an episode if I can help it. Normally, I don't watch such crappy TV. I haven't turned on Lifetime in months since they removed Golden Girls from their line up. But Real Housewives of Atlanta is 100% nonsensical drama, and I LOVE IT.

First off, I must say that my favorite one by far is Lisa, she has everything I want. But she's doesn't throw it in my face, thats why she is my favorite. My other favorite Housewife is Dwight. He's just who he is, letting his freak flag fly, and invites everyone to his parties...including Cee-Lo Green. I wish I could be as lucky one day. I could do without the other four women because they suck. For women who claim they hate Kim sooooooo much, they sure do talk about her a lot. Just give me one hour of Lisa, loving her NFL player husband, birthing babies, and I'll be fine. Throw in a few party tips from Dwight...even better.

I mean as far as TV goes, I'm pretty set in my ways. I like a little Spongebob in my day, followed by as many hours of the Golden Girls as possible. A few vintage cartoons never hurt either. But they don't do as much for me as The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

My New Best Friend...He's Great

I guess it is no secret that most people have best friends. I have quite a few, and they're all cool. We do all the typical girl things like, watching romantic comedies while stuffing our faces, and holdong each others hair while puking and sharing secrets. But I believe I have a new and untapped resource, and thats the "male best friend" friend. My new guy best friend is amazing...seriously.

I'm not really sure how me and Aaron became "best friends", we just started texting each other, and somewhere along the way we became friends. I find him way easier to talk to than my other friends. For one he doesnt judge me, well at least not to my knowledge. Even though I usually text him very weird and sometimes vulgar thought of mine, he seems to think I'm pretty cool. Which is great cuz I've been trying to get people to see how cool I am for long time. But Aaron has a few more mainstream friends than I do, hopefully he can spread the word. We will be making our friendship official in the fall, with friendship bracelets.

We talk about everything like relationships or lack thereof. He provides great insight into the male community. We also love all the same things, like Spongebob Squarepants, Jay-Z, whores, anti-Patriotism, making fun of other peoples imperfections. What I'm basically trying to say is that Aaron is like the coolest best friend ever, I know that I'llbe blogging about me and Aarons shenanigans in the future, for sure.

Tiger Snooooooze

If you know me personally, you are bound to know that I am an avid napper. I nap all day and stay up all night, chillin' and doin' stuff. But now that I'm working and I have to actually get things done, sometimes I need a little Disco Nap. For those of you who don't know what a Disco Nap is, it is when you take a quick nap and when you wake up, you're read to party. Today is definitely one of those days when I need all of four Disco Naps.

Friday is usually my day off, but I am here and I am bored out of my ever loving mind. I usually all my chores for my day off, but that isn't looking like it's gonna happen. PLUS I need to take my computer to the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue. I'm sure the whole staff there hates me. You always need an appointment get any type of service. Last time I was there, they were running "15 minutes late" and I was there for about an hour, and they did absolutely NOTHING. Hence, my appointment tonight, actually it is at 2:40 am. The good times just keep on coming, don't they?

The office itself is actually pretty dope. I'm here all day by myself, allowing me to take numerous Disco Naps. There's a TV...with cable. Which I just found out today, so I am no longer subjected to watching the awful Drew Carey hosting The Price is Right. But then I face that age old dilemma, there's so many channels what do I want to watch?